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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Vatican Warns Against Increasingly Healthy Attitudes Toward Sex

VATICAN CITY–Alarmed by rising rates of pleasurable, mutually fulfilling acts of physical love among Catholics, the Vatican issued a statement Monday warning against healthy attitudes toward sex.

Pope John Paul II warns against the dangers of mutually fulfilling acts of love.

"The practice of so-called 'healthy sexuality,' with its emphasis on the spiritual and physical nourishment of consenting partners in a relationship built on mutual respect, has no place in the Holy Roman Catholic Church," the 200-page document read. "Those who have derived pleasure from such non-shame-based practices are not living according to God's law."

The Vatican statement cited 183 different "wholly sinful" sexual acts, including the discrete, occasional manipulation of one's own genitals for pleasure; intercourse positions designed to heighten sensations of ecstasy; and intimate, post-coital cuddling and conversation with a loved one outside the bounds of the marital bed.

The statement also listed 244 phrases which are regarded as blasphemous when uttered in a non-procreative context. Among them: "God, your breasts are beautiful," "I feel so complete when you're inside me," and "I love to watch your belly rise and fall after we make love."

Church officials were quick to praise the Vatican's denouncement of "the brutal transgression against God that is the enjoyment of sex for its own sake."

"In recent years, Catholics the world over have been exposed to a multitude of sexual practices that, if not resisted, could enrich their lives and deepen their enjoyment of their partners," said Cardinal Joaquin Navarro Valls, speaking on behalf of the pope. "As Catholics, we must remain vigilant, doing everything in our powers to resist such urges. Only the Lord's divine redemption can transform sex into a force for goodness by limiting it to the joyless context of married couples who wish to procreate."

A Catholic couple sins.

"The position of the Church is absolute: If two people who are not a married couple endeavoring to have children engage in tension-relieving, life-affirming sex, they are committing a grave sin," Archbishop Edward Egan of New York said. "There is nothing holy about people feeling good about their bodies and themselves."

Catholics are taking the condemnation of modern sexual mores to heart.

"In the seven years we've been married, my wife and I have probably had sex about 1,500 times," said Lowell, MA, resident Bill Metz, 36. "We're extremely attracted to each other, and satisfying each other physically is something we've always enjoyed. Until now, that is. I finally see that what we thought was a fun way to celebrate our love was really an expression of hostility and disrespect toward Jesus."

Metz added that he and his wife plan to have at least 15 children as penance for their physical indulgences.

"This is a major step forward for the church," said Father Thomas Mallory, Deacon of Boston's Our Lady Queen of Peace. "We've seen too much healthy sexuality among Catholics in recent years, which inevitably led to an unholy sense of well-being and contentment. Hopefully, this papal condemnation will put a stop to that."

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