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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Vegas Gives Patriots 1,000-Point Spread Over Chargers

LAS VEGAS—Major Las Vegas sports books took no time in accepting wagers on the AFC championship game, setting the line at New England +1,000 as soon as the Chargers' upset of the Colts had concluded. "Considering both [quarterback Phil] Rivers and [running back LaDainian] Tomlinson may be out for the game, we're confident that New England can put at least a grand's worth of points on the Bolts," Bellagio casino oddsmaker Sam "Fat Roll" Matusiak said Monday. "Of course, if one or both of them are healthy, that line could change five or six points, easy. Right now, though, smart money is to either fade our action on that spread for the Pats or just sit on your money." Matusiak's book is also accepting "proposition bets" on certain game situations, such as the number of touchdowns the Patriots will score during the first minute.

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