'Vehicular Manslaughter Doctor' Assists In 23rd Doctor-Assisted Vehicular Manslaughter

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Doritos Good

WARNER ROBINS, GA—A five-year study released Monday by area resident Wayne "Bud" Junker revealed that Doritos-brand tortilla chips are, without question, good. "Whether original flavor, Cooler Ranch, or the zesty new 'Nacho Cheesier' variety, my exhaustive research indicates that Doritos are very good." To underscore the study's findings, Junker stuffed a fistful of Doritos into his mouth, exclaiming, "Mmm-mmm!" A 1995 couch-based study conducted by Junker concluded that Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey-flavor ice cream is delicious.

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BEDFORD FALLS, NY—Legendary actor Jimmy Stewart, who died last week at age 89, begged God Monday for another chance at life. "Get me back! Get me back! I want to live again!" Stewart shouted from a snow-blown bridge. "Please God, let me live again!" Despite the impassioned plea, God decided not to permit Stewart to return to earth. His longtime guardian angel, Clarence, refused to comment, saying only, "I think I'll have another rum punch." Friends and family gathered at Stewart's home Tuesday to pay tribute, singing "Auld Lang Syne" and praising him as "the richest man in town." They denied rumors that God's decision was due to a 1929 sex scandal in which the beloved star was seen giving money to town tramp Violet Bick.

The Holy Woman Knoweth Well Her Place

To-day's sermon concerns Woman, a Vessel capable of both Holiness and Wickedness alike, but who all too often takes the latter Path, being as she is a Daughter of Eve, whose Envy, Ambition, and Weakness of the Flesh caused the Expulsion from Eden, and eternal Banishment from an Earthly Paradise for all of God's Children.
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'Vehicular Manslaughter Doctor' Assists In 23rd Doctor-Assisted Vehicular Manslaughter

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Dr. James Munson, known to millions as the infamous "vehicular manslaughter doctor," participated in his 23rd doctor-assisted vehicular manslaughter Monday, running over an 81-year-old Michigan woman.

Dr. James Munson, seen here being escorted to his cell following his arraignment, participated in his 23rd physician-assisted vehicular manslaughter Monday, hitting an elderly woman at over 80 mph.

Munson, who was arrested and charged with first-degree vehicular manslaughter in the incident, hit Mildred Peters of Portage, MI, with his 1994 Ford Escort in a supermarket parking lot, killing her instantly.

"She was clearly in terrible pain," said Munson, who did not know the woman. "She was moving very slowly, and it was a struggle for her just to push the shopping cart to her car. I don't even think she would have been able to lift her groceries into the trunk without help. All this woman wanted was to die in a dignified, painless manner. Thank God I was able to give her that chance."

According to witnesses, after saying a prayer and lighting a candle, Munson got in his car and accelerated to an estimated 80 mph, hitting Peters head-on with the controversial four-wheeled euthanizing device.

Munson's lawyer, Donald Ranieri, defended his client in a statement Tuesday. "Dr. Munson's only interest is in easing the terrible pain of the nation's elderly," Ranieri said. "It is his deep conviction that no one should have to suffer through life with Multiple Sclerosis, arthritis, or high blood pressure."

When informed of the incident, Peters' daughter expressed relief that the woman's suffering had finally ended.

"It had been years since my mother was able to live a normal life," said Jayne Peters-Williams, 48. "She was so weak, she couldn't climb long flights of stairs. She needed help getting in the tub. And if she just wanted to read, she had to put on a special pair of glasses. What kind of a life is that?"

"My mother's suffering is over at last," Peters-Williams said. "As her crumbling, withered body soared through the air after being hit by Munson, for one shining moment she was finally free."

Munson's controversial suicide device, parked outside his Grand Rapids office.

Last month, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld a federal ban on physician-assisted vehicular manslaughter without patient consent. Michigan is one of just five states that permit assisted vehicular manslaughter with consent of a family member.

The nation's leading ethicists are divided on the issue of automotive euthanasia. While some, such as Hemlock Society president Milton Habisch, call it a "clean, effective" way to end the agony of chronic pain sufferers; others assert it creates more problems than it solves.

"The procedure is far from perfect," said Elaine Curtis, co-director of the San Francisco-based What About The Children? foundation. "In 1991, his car ran out of gas just before he was about to hit a Goshen, IN, woman suffering from back pain, and he was forced to borrow the bicycle of a nearby child, riding over his victim an agonizing 175 times until she finally died of internal bruising."

Dr. Munson's controversial suicide device is controlled by two foot-activated levers, one for acceleration and one for braking. By pressing down hard on the acceleration lever, the machine increases in velocity to the point where anyone it is aimed at can be killed quickly and painlessly. As an added precaution, Munson anaesthetizes himself with a fifth of gin before each procedure.

Munson has used the machine in the doctor-assisted vehicular manslaughter of 17 elderly people since 1994. Prior to that, he used a similar device, known as a "1985 Dodge Omni," in the deaths of six others. The Omni device was scrapped after repeated technical problems, including a blown clutch.

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