MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Versatile Game Table Can Be Easily Converted To Play Small, Shitty Version Of Pool, Air Hockey, Foosball

MINNEAPOLIS—Citing the poor quality of both the design and craftsmanship, members of the Hunter family told reporters Friday that the home’s versatile game table could be easily converted to play small, shitty versions of pool, air hockey, and foosball. “Right now it’s a tiny, cramped foosball table, but if you want to play air hockey on a chintzy rink that doesn’t blow any air at all, then all you have to do is just flip it right over,” said Jeffrey Hunter, 14, noting that the miserable excuse for an air hockey table came equipped with two strikers too small to grip properly and a single puck the size of a casino chip. “It’s got a cheap pool table component that comes with 18-inch billiard cues and shitty miniature balls that are impossible to hit accurately, so you can also play a game that barely resembles pool. This table’s got whatever you might want to play for two minutes before getting completely frustrated and stopping.” At press time, the table’s foosball component had reportedly become even shittier after the missing soccer ball was replaced with the eight ball.

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