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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Very Lenient Umpire Tells Base Runner Next Time He Gets Tagged He’s Out

MIAMI—Umpire Laz Diaz displayed an unusual amount of leniency Sunday, allowing a clearly tagged Hanley Ramirez to take third base regardless of his failed steal attempt, on condition the Marlins shortstop understood he could not count on the same treatment next time. “I told him next time he’s tagged out, I’m calling him out,” Diaz told reporters after the game. “But I figured Hanley makes that play 9 out of 10 times, so for him to mess up that badly means something’s probably going on in his personal life, and hey, we’ve all been there. I can respect that.” Asked why the umpire also declared Logan Morrison’s eighth-inning foul a home run, Diaz replied, “You could see in his eyes he meant to hit a home run.”

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