adBlockCheck

'Very Special' Constitutional Amendment To Take On Alcoholism

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

'Very Special' Constitutional Amendment To Take On Alcoholism

WASHINGTON, DC—At 8 p.m. EST next Monday, C-SPAN will air "an important episode no family will want to miss," in which Congress is expected to pass a "very special" constitutional amendment dealing with the touchy issue of alcoholism. The amendment—inspired by the true story of a promising young hockey player whose dreams of a pro career died when his weekend partying spun out of control—will show the shattering effect alcohol has on drinkers and their loved ones, and will end with a toll-free number where victims can get help. "We're used to having a lot of fun with our amendments," said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL). "But once in a while, an issue touches us so deeply, we decide to draft an amendment with a message." If passed, the amendment will be available on video in time for the holiday season.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close