adBlockCheck

'Very Special' Constitutional Amendment To Take On Alcoholism

Top Headlines

Politics

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

'Very Special' Constitutional Amendment To Take On Alcoholism

WASHINGTON, DC—At 8 p.m. EST next Monday, C-SPAN will air "an important episode no family will want to miss," in which Congress is expected to pass a "very special" constitutional amendment dealing with the touchy issue of alcoholism. The amendment—inspired by the true story of a promising young hockey player whose dreams of a pro career died when his weekend partying spun out of control—will show the shattering effect alcohol has on drinkers and their loved ones, and will end with a toll-free number where victims can get help. "We're used to having a lot of fun with our amendments," said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL). "But once in a while, an issue touches us so deeply, we decide to draft an amendment with a message." If passed, the amendment will be available on video in time for the holiday season.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close