adBlockCheck

Very Specific Food Pyramid Recommends Two To Three Shrimp Scampis Per Year

Top Headlines

Business

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Very Specific Food Pyramid Recommends Two To Three Shrimp Scampis Per Year

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Agriculture unveiled an updated, extremely detailed food pyramid Monday, which may redefine the way Americans plan their yearly intake of such food groups as shrimp scampi, garlic bread, and steak tartares with a side of mini grilled corn on the cobs. "Two servings of shrimp scampi per year is absolutely essential, and it is preferable that one be a microwaveable meal from the Contessa frozen-foods line, and the other be eaten at a fancy restaurant, like the Lobster Tail off Route 22, on a nice summer evening with the woman you love," acting Agriculture Secretary Chuck Conner said. "All healthy adults should also incorporate four bowls of Cookie Crisp cereal, 223 to 228 salted pretzel rods, one plate of Hamburger Helper cheeseburger macaroni, six to eight Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies, and no more than two Fla-Vor-Ice-brand ice pops into their yearly diet." The nutrition guide highly recommends taking two bites from an undercooked hot dog on July 12 every year and then throwing the rest away.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close