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It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Cover Letter Writing Tips

While a résumé can display your past work experiences, a cover letter is your chance to show prospective employers who you really are and what you bring to the table. Here are The Onion’s tips for writing a memorable cover letter

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Working From Home Vs. Working In An Office

While the digital age allows for the freedom to work from home, many people find the communal environment of an office more productive. The Onion provides a side-by-side comparison of the two options.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Pope Nervous For Annual Performance Review With God

VATICAN CITY—Saying he’s appeared uneasy and distracted while delivering masses in recent days, Vatican insiders reported Wednesday that His Holiness Pope Francis is “getting pretty anxious” about his upcoming annual performance re...

Employee Wishes He Had Enough Job Security To Voice Opinion

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would never jeopardize what little standing he has within the company by making any waves, Crystalpoint Systems junior sales associate Josh Morris told reporters Wednesday that he doesn’t have enough job security to actu...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living

MILWAUKEE—Explaining with a deep sense of self-delusion that his job provides a “perfect outlet” for both his creative and analytic sides, BTX Communications employee Matthew Krueger confirmed to reporters Thursday that he does exactly w...

Man Under Impression He Went Down Fighting

LOVELAND, CO—Asserting that he’d given a recent work project everything he had but that it wasn’t quite enough, local office worker Tom Janssen is currently under the impression that he went down fighting, sources reported Monday.

Employer Totally Botches Job Interview

EVANSVILLE, IN—Worrying aloud that he came across as fidgety and unassertive, local executive Greg Bricker confided to reporters Monday that he completely bombed his latest interview with a prospective employee.

Dad Knows Guy At Work Whose Son Plays Triple-A

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Noting that the topic has been brought up at dinner several times this week, household sources confirmed Tuesday that local father Adam Pitzer works with a guy whose son plays Triple-A baseball.

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...
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Workplace

Veteran Cop Gets Along Great With Rookie Partner

LOS ANGELES—Just one month before narcotics officer Vincent Tate was planning to turn in his badge and retire on a full pension, he learned that he was being assigned a rookie partner. Now, after four weeks, the hard-boiled 25-year veteran of the Los Angeles Police Department says he's having so much fun with the new recruit, he "may never leave."

Officers Vincent Tate and Jason Hepplewhite enjoying each other's company.

"The last thing I wanted was to train some know-it-all, baby-faced college boy who'd question my every move," Tate, 55, said. "Luckily for me, Jason has been an absolute delight."

Jason Hepplewhite, 23, a Stanford University graduate who majored in criminal science, hit it off immediately with Tate, according to 34th Precinct Captain Lionel Shaw, who united the pair. After a tense few seconds in which the entire squad room waited to see if Tate would haughtily snub Hepplewhite's extended hand, the older cop instead shook it warmly, grinned, and took the younger cop on a tour of the precinct building.

"I thought the difference in age, race, and class would lead to certain friction," Shaw said. "I'm sure glad it all worked out, though, since Lord knows that, as his captain, I would never intentionally do anything to anger a veteran cop like Vince, whose questionable methods get results. In fact, I don't believe we've ever raised our voices to each other."

Tate said that the first thing he did when he got in the patrol car with Hepplewhite was lay down a strict set of ground rules. "I said to him, listen, kid, do your best to apply what you've learned at your fancy school, and if you have any questions at all, don't hesitate to ask," Tate said.

Although Hepplewhite proved to be the intensely idealistic, literal-minded greenhorn Tate had feared, the duo, in the true spirit of partnership, have managed to work around their philosophical differences. Tate even took time out to praise what he called Hepplewhite's "superb book-based education."

"Jason has this helpful idea of a 'thin blue line' that separates the lawless from the civilized, whereas I understand that sometimes certain crimes must be left unpunished in order to protect the greater good," Tate said. "So we switch off. If, on Mondays or Wednesdays, Jason thinks a small-time crook who's given me solid leads for 20 years should be locked up, that's his prerogative. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, though, we'll use an underage hooker as bait to close in on a major heroin kingpin."

"Friday is a grab-bag," Tate added.

According to Hepplewhite, it has been a pleasure working with Tate, who has refrained from patronizing him or deliberately involving him in a difficult situation that would require his older partner to step in and save him.

"Shortly before what was shaping up to become a standoff at a warehouse drug lab, Vincent asked me if he should radio for a SWAT team, or if I would prefer being thrown right into the fray," Hepplewhite said. "I chose the SWAT team, but I appreciated the option. I just wanted to get my feet wet a little before finding out the hard way that I might not have what it takes to fight crime."

Despite the natural give-and-take of the relationship, Tate said there have been moments when he has worried, such as last week's interrogation of a suspected drug dealer accused of fatally shooting a young girl during a turf battle.

"Jason began screaming at the suspect, taking out what seemed like years of pent-up aggression on him," Tate said. "Afterwards, in the locker room, I braced myself for an emotional monologue from Jason about how his own little sister was killed in a drive-by shooting. But he just smiled, apologized for causing a scene, and suggested we grab some lunch."

The two enjoy each other's company so much that they have begun spending time together off-duty. Every Saturday night, Tate, Hepplewhite, and their wives get together to have dinner, watch a movie, or just play cards.

"Joy and I simply love Jason's emotionally stable wife Sara, who both understands and encourages the dangerous work and long hours that come with being a police officer," Tate said. "She has not been killed by avenging street punks."

"It's good for two officers to get together and discuss everything that's going great in our lives over a few beers," Tate added. "Luckily, I do not have a lingering drinking problem that Jason has to help me confront."

According to other members of the force, Hepplewhite is ably filling the shoes of Tate's former partner, Buddy Haverly, who served faithfully alongside him for nearly 15 years, and whom Tate rarely stops talking about.

Haverly is alive and well.

Workplace

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Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

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