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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Vick Calls Fumble In Cowboys Game 'The Worst Thing I've Ever Done'

ARLINGTON, TX—Eagles backup quarterback Michael Vick apologized to fans immediately after his team's 34-14 wild-card loss to the Cowboys Saturday, saying his fumbled handoff attempt late in the first half was "absolutely the most damning and hurtful act of [his] life." "I guess I just thought I could hand the ball off to the fullback without any repercussions, but never in my life have I been so wrong. Never," a visibly contrite Vick said to the assembled reporters. "I just want to apologize to my family, friends, and most important, the fans. There are things I have done in my time on this earth that I regret, but this fumble is undeniably the worst." Eagles fans responded to Vick's statement by saying he was absolutely correct.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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