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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Vick To Miss 4 Weeks With Hand Concussion

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of football. "Until tests show Mr. Vick’s right hand is reacting normally to stimuli, we cannot allow him to play or practice," a statement from the team read in part. "As of today, it has not responded correctly to our questions and seems sluggish and unfocused." Vick criticized the decision, saying that although his hand has no memory of the hit in which it was injured, it only has a mild headache.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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