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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Video-Camera Tips

Video cameras are a fun and easy way to record those special moments in life.

Here are some tips for getting the most out of them:

Video-Camera Tips


  • An important rule of thumb for the video-camera novice is that everybody in the world wants to see your toddler gorge on a slice of cake.
  • Pointing the camera at the TV screen it is hooked up to will create a wicked-cool "endless tunnel" effect which will blow your viewers' minds.
  • If your high-end digital-video camera is not operating properly, simply throw it away and buy a new one. After all, you're made of money, Mr. I Own A High-End Digital-Video Camera.
  • Don't even bother picking up the video camera until the bride is on her third drink.
  • To provide viewers with an exciting, first-person point-of-view of your life, bolt the video camera directly into your skull.
  • Before videotaping those priceless memories of that special someone, make sure to cover up the power-indicator light and leave the closet door slightly ajar.
  • If you are acclaimed Dogme 95 director Lars von Trier, stop reading this list immediately. You need no advice on digital-camera use.
  • Remember: You won't always get that perfect shot on the first try. Don't be afraid to ask the abusive, racist policeman to take it from the top.
  • Endless footage of your cat wandering away from the camera while you shout its name and try unsuccessfully to get it to look at the camera is sure to delight friends and relatives.
  • To allow for movement on the part of your subject, focus the camera on a point midway between the base of the breast and tip of the nipple.
  • To point out the futility of existence, videotape your preschooler building an elaborate sandcastle on the beach, then pull in close to capture her facial reaction as the tide rolls in and slowly destroys her creation.

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