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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Video-Camera Tips

Video cameras are a fun and easy way to record those special moments in life.

Here are some tips for getting the most out of them:

Video-Camera Tips


  • An important rule of thumb for the video-camera novice is that everybody in the world wants to see your toddler gorge on a slice of cake.
  • Pointing the camera at the TV screen it is hooked up to will create a wicked-cool "endless tunnel" effect which will blow your viewers' minds.
  • If your high-end digital-video camera is not operating properly, simply throw it away and buy a new one. After all, you're made of money, Mr. I Own A High-End Digital-Video Camera.
  • Don't even bother picking up the video camera until the bride is on her third drink.
  • To provide viewers with an exciting, first-person point-of-view of your life, bolt the video camera directly into your skull.
  • Before videotaping those priceless memories of that special someone, make sure to cover up the power-indicator light and leave the closet door slightly ajar.
  • If you are acclaimed Dogme 95 director Lars von Trier, stop reading this list immediately. You need no advice on digital-camera use.
  • Remember: You won't always get that perfect shot on the first try. Don't be afraid to ask the abusive, racist policeman to take it from the top.
  • Endless footage of your cat wandering away from the camera while you shout its name and try unsuccessfully to get it to look at the camera is sure to delight friends and relatives.
  • To allow for movement on the part of your subject, focus the camera on a point midway between the base of the breast and tip of the nipple.
  • To point out the futility of existence, videotape your preschooler building an elaborate sandcastle on the beach, then pull in close to capture her facial reaction as the tide rolls in and slowly destroys her creation.

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