adBlockCheck

Recent News

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
End Of Section
  • More News

Video Game Boss Thinking He Should Get Big Glowing Weak Spot On Back Checked Out

STAGE 6—Saying the slightly raised, throbbing red patch of skin has been bothering him for quite some time, local video game boss Overlord told reporters Wednesday he was thinking he should get the big glowing weak spot on his back checked out. “I was hoping the spot would eventually just go away, but recently it started flashing white when anything touches it,” said Overlord, adding that whenever the radiant area is aggravated, he becomes paralyzed for several seconds, during which time he cannot retract his segmented limbs or move the projectile-spitting skull-faces at the end of his appendages. “I thought trying to move up and down in a fixed cycle would help, but it turns out that just makes it worse. If it doesn’t go away in a couple days, I’m definitely going to the doctor. I’m getting worried about how often I vomit armor-plated slugs.” Overlord added that his habit of staying inside a dark, musty cave made of bones all day probably wasn’t doing his health any favors, either.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close