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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Video Game Boss Thinking He Should Get Big Glowing Weak Spot On Back Checked Out

STAGE 6—Saying the slightly raised, throbbing red patch of skin has been bothering him for quite some time, local video game boss Overlord told reporters Wednesday he was thinking he should get the big glowing weak spot on his back checked out. “I was hoping the spot would eventually just go away, but recently it started flashing white when anything touches it,” said Overlord, adding that whenever the radiant area is aggravated, he becomes paralyzed for several seconds, during which time he cannot retract his segmented limbs or move the projectile-spitting skull-faces at the end of his appendages. “I thought trying to move up and down in a fixed cycle would help, but it turns out that just makes it worse. If it doesn’t go away in a couple days, I’m definitely going to the doctor. I’m getting worried about how often I vomit armor-plated slugs.” Overlord added that his habit of staying inside a dark, musty cave made of bones all day probably wasn’t doing his health any favors, either.

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