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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Video Game Shopkeeper Starting To Get Suspicious After Selling 800 Bombs To Player

CASTLE FALGAR—Wondering what the man could possibly have been planning with such a purchase, video game shopkeeper Eldoth Silvershield told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to get suspicious of a customer who had recently bought 800 bombs in a single visit. “Usually I don’t ask questions, but this guy just walked straight into my store and dropped, like, a hundred-thousand gold pieces on bombs in one go,” said Silvershield, noting with concern that the customer offered no explanation whatsoever of his intentions for the explosives, even as he added 450 flaming arrows to his order. “Then he said he was going to need magic armor and every healing elixir I had in stock. I mean, who buys all that unless they’re really planning on doing something really, really bad? Maybe I should tell a knight or something?” At press time, Silvershield had heard what transpired at Darkstone Keep and knew with a shudder who was responsible.

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