Vietnam Vets Admit War Wasn't That Bad

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Vietnam Vets Admit War Wasn't That Bad

After more than two decades of describing the Vietnam War as a “living hell,” and an “endless, indescribable horror beyond all words,” America’s Vietnam veterans finally admitted yesterday that the war was, in fact, “not that bad.”

“Contrary to what we have said all these years,” National Viet-nam Vet-erans Asso--c-ia-tion president Charles Murphy said, “Vietnam simply was not that bad. In fact, it was quite enjoyable. We really are a big bunch of babies.”

Following the NVVA announcement, veterans across America acknowledged the war’s positives.

“The jungle battles with the Vietcong were the best part,” said Walter Kinchen, 45, who served three tours from 1969 to 1971. “A lot of times, you’d look the enemy in the eye, and instead of killing each other, you’d exchange phone numbers and become friends. They’d show us their hidden forts, and we’d invite them back to our bases to check out imported American amenities like name-brand cigarettes and booze.”

Kinchen said he also picked up a serious heroin addiction in Vietnam, a habit he still enjoys to this day.

“There’s no natural high that can match it,” he said. “Not even love.”

David Peters, a Houston businessman, was stationed near the village of Nhat Than from 1971-3. “I’m just glad the war wasn’t like it was in Apocalypse Now or Platoon,” Peters said. “That would’ve been really bad. Operation Dumbo Drop and a little bit of Good Morning Vietnam is a little more true to our experiences.”

Added Peters: “The thing is, everybody talks about the piles of dead bodies rotting in the fields. But no one ever talks about the cotton candy and carnivals.”

In his announcement, Veterans Association president Murphy also admitted that, contrary to what veterans have claimed until now, the Vietnam experience is not something beyond the average civilian’s comprehension.

“For so long, we’ve told people, ‘If you weren’t there, you wouldn’t understand it,’” Murphy said. “Well that’s simply not true. If you weren’t there, you could easily open up a book and get a very good sense of what it was like. There are plenty of books out there with detailed descriptions and vivid color pictures. You certainly didn’t need to actually be there to get a feel for it.”

Kevin Stallings, a Boston-area accountant who was stationed near Le Thuy from 1972-3, remembers many good times.

“A lot of times, in between fighting, we’d go down to this great seafood restaurant in Da Nang and just hang out and drink for hours,” Stallings said. “Then we’d usually find some beautiful local girls and take them back to a motel and have sex with them. And often they would become our beloved wives.”

Stallings has three beautiful children in Southeast Asia thanks to his exciting war-time sexual exploits.

Veteran John Randolph, who as a member of the 56th Delta Division was badly injured by enemy fire during a raid on Haiphong, said that although he has had numerous recurring nightmares over the past 20 years, they have been largely unrelated to the war.

“There’s this really bad one where I’m back in college, and I’m taking a huge calculus final, but I don’t know any of the stuff because I forgot to go to class all semester,” Randolph said. “God, it seemed so real, it was frightening.”


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close