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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Viewing Ads On Website Sole Way In Which Man Contributing To Economy

SEATTLE—In no way enhancing the nation’s wealth through any other means, local man Ryan Compton’s sole contribution to the economy is viewing advertisements found on websites, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Occasionally glancing at ads while scrolling through articles is the one and only useful purpose he serves in the American economic system,” said Cornell University economist Mark Rutherford, who tracked Compton’s impact on the economy without finding a single positive effect beyond the revenue he passively generates for a variety of news, social media, video streaming, and ecommerce websites. “The data clearly indicates that all he offers to the nation’s economy comes from the 34 ad impressions he makes on average each day. Even if you factor in the 15 seconds of pre-roll he watches before clicking the ‘skip’ button on online videos, it still amounts to virtually nothing.” Experts noted, however, that Compton’s contribution to the economy could gradually increase as more and more of his personal information is sold to third-party marketers.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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