Vigilante Cop Acts As Judge, Jury, Prosecuting Attorney, Bailiff, Stenographer, Executioner

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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Vigilante Cop Acts As Judge, Jury, Prosecuting Attorney, Bailiff, Stenographer, Executioner

OAKLAND, CA—Often referred to by his superiors at the Oakland Police Department as a "loose cannon," Lt. Buck Roth and his unorthodox policing methods have been the subject of controversy for much of his turbulent career. But the renegade detective who acts as judge, jury, prosecuting attorney, bailiff, court reporter, and executioner maintains that his approach gets results.

Roth goes over paperwork before "stacking, bundling, and taking out the trash.

 "Whatever it takes to clean up Oakland, I'll do it," Roth said Monday. "After all the laziness and corruption I've witnessed during my 13 years on the force, I've learned you can't trust just anyone to apprehend, arrest, fingerprint, photograph, delouse, interrogate, arraign, hear testimony from, and set bail for the low-life scumbags I deal with day after day."

 Roth triggered a firestorm of controversy last Thursday when he ambushed and gunned down a suspected killer in a Bay Bridge–area warehouse, even though the suspect was not armed at the time. He further angered area law enforcement when he admitted to single-handedly securing the scene, taking fiber and DNA samples, notifying the killer's next-of-kin, and performing ballistics tests on his own weapon, all before calling for backup, which is the required procedure.

Roth, who is officially assigned to the OPD's Vehicle Theft division, said that he is not a one-man corrections officer, polygraph technician, sketch artist, parole officer, SWAT team marksman, death row chaplain, and evidence room supervisor because he wants to be, but because "the Alameda County criminal justice system has failed its citizens time and time again."

"Am I supposed to just stand by and watch the clowns at HQ let these depraved bastards slip through the cracks?" said Roth, cleaning his service revolver as he scanned the two dozen subpoenas he personally issued and planned to serve later that afternoon. "The whole system is rotten to the core. Not one of these detectives, assistant DAs, court clerks, process servers, or parking enforcement officers knows his ass from his elbow."

 When asked whether he weighed the ethical ramifications of taking the law, and the subsequent triplicate filing, into his own hands, Roth said he doesn't "have the time to sit back and philosophize" when public safety is at risk.

 "The worst part of this job is knowing that some piece of garbage is going to be back on the streets in six months," said Roth after sentencing a convicted methamphetamine dealer to six months in prison on a plea bargain Roth himself authored. "And having to witness it firsthand, too, as I file his release paperwork and reissue his civilian garb to him."

Despite major qualms with the bureaucracy and red tape he creates and then has to deal with, the maverick cop is confident he is doing the right thing.

"When you prepare a cold-blooded murderer's last meal, strap him down, inject him with potassium chloride, send him straight to hell, and officiate at his burial service in the prison cemetery, you realize it's all worth it," Roth said.

According to a source within the OPD's internal affairs division, Roth's loner tactics have alienated him from virtually every colleague, and he has clashed heatedly with the heads of Narcotics, Vice, Fraud, Missing Persons, Information Technology, Records, and the Police Athletic League.

 "The man is out of control," said Lt. Larry Carling, head of the OPD's Forensic Science unit. "Goddamn it, if I hear about another rape kit gone missing or a surprise exhumation, I'll personally order the son of a bitch to lock himself up."

 As a result of the Thursday incident, Roth is now the subject of an internal investigation, headed by himself.

 "We've got our best man on the case, and if he thinks Roth committed a serious infraction, Roth'll have his badge, gun, robes, gavel, stenotype, and Bible," said Det. James Lafferty, Roth's immediate supervisor.

Roth said that despite the constant resistance he runs up against, he will not be deterred from performing the many jobs he has set out to do.

"Sure, I know I'm just 17 cogs in the machine," Roth said. "But I'm still gonna be out on these mean streets come hell or high water, cracking heads and busting creeps. And if they kick me off the force, I'll still be a punk's worst nightmare, as a vigilante, private detective, bounty hunter, bail bondsman, and repo man all rolled into one."

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