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Vigilante Judge Takes Law Into Own Hands

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

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MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

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Vigilante Judge Takes Law Into Own Hands

CHEYENNE, WY—Circuit Court Judge Cedric Traynor, the notorious, media-dubbed "Vigilante Judge," took the law into his own hands once again Tuesday, sentencing convicted arsonist Dennis Rebach to 15 years in prison. "You will respect my judgment," Traynor said, "for I am the law." Traynor has singlehandedly judged the fate of more than 3,000 men over the past 20 years.

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