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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Vikings Criticized For Not Running Up Score High Enough On Cowboys

MINNEAPOLIS—All corners of the sporting world sounded off against the Minnesota Vikings this week for their conduct at the end of their divisional playoff game against the Dallas Cowboys, saying that even after a late touchdown made the score 34-3, the Vikings were obligated by general principle to humiliate the Cowboys further by attempting to score even more points. "As far as I'm concerned, by holding back against Dallas, the Vikings showed a complete disregard for gamesmanship,"said ESPN analyst Mark Schlereth, adding that, when a team has the Cowboys down, stomping on their throats and trying to win by 50 or even 60 points is the classy thing to do. "How about a long bomb to Rice while Terence Newman is half-assing it and looking ahead to next season? Maybe a fake punt? Maybe rubbing their noses in it by sending eight men to cripple Tony Romo? All I have to say is that [Vikings coach] Brad Childress should be ashamed of himself." Vikings quarterback Brett Favre responded to the controversy by saying that no team wants to be on the same field as the Cowboys any longer than they have to be.

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