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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Vikings Intrigued By Matt Cassel’s Ability To Get The Fuck Out Of Adrian Peterson’s Way

MANKATO, MN—Saying his dedication in the film room and on the practice field is beginning to yield dividends, members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Thursday that they have been very intrigued by starting quarterback Matt Cassel’s growing ability to get the fuck out of running back Adrian Peterson’s way. “Matt has displayed great balance and really fundamentally sound footwork when trying not to fuck up any of Adrian’s potential running lanes,” said head coach Mike Zimmer, noting that Cassel’s agility allows him to quickly and decisively move aside after handing the ball off to the six-time Pro Bowl running back. “He’s incredibly smooth when transitioning from the handoff to getting his ass as far away from Adrian as possible. That natural feel for how to steer absolutely fucking clear of the one person who could actually gain yards really opens up a lot of possibilities for our offense.” Zimmer added that Cassel also shows great command at the line of scrimmage when reading the defense and then quickly audibling between various running plays.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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