Vikings Intrigued By Matt Cassel’s Ability To Get The Fuck Out Of Adrian Peterson’s Way

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Vol 50 Issue 34

Researchers: Panda Faked Pregnancy To Get More Bamboo

After discovering the marsupial wasn't actually pregnant as believed, researchers at the Chengu Giant Panda Breeding Research Center in China said that giant panda Ai Hin faked being pregnant in order to receive more bamboo, extra fruit treats, and a nice...
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Vikings Intrigued By Matt Cassel’s Ability To Get The Fuck Out Of Adrian Peterson’s Way

MANKATO, MN—Saying his dedication in the film room and on the practice field is beginning to yield dividends, members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Thursday that they have been very intrigued by starting quarterback Matt Cassel’s growing ability to get the fuck out of running back Adrian Peterson’s way. “Matt has displayed great balance and really fundamentally sound footwork when trying not to fuck up any of Adrian’s potential running lanes,” said head coach Mike Zimmer, noting that Cassel’s agility allows him to quickly and decisively move aside after handing the ball off to the six-time Pro Bowl running back. “He’s incredibly smooth when transitioning from the handoff to getting his ass as far away from Adrian as possible. That natural feel for how to steer absolutely fucking clear of the one person who could actually gain yards really opens up a lot of possibilities for our offense.” Zimmer added that Cassel also shows great command at the line of scrimmage when reading the defense and then quickly audibling between various running plays.

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