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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Vikings Intrigued By Matt Cassel’s Ability To Get The Fuck Out Of Adrian Peterson’s Way

MANKATO, MN—Saying his dedication in the film room and on the practice field is beginning to yield dividends, members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Thursday that they have been very intrigued by starting quarterback Matt Cassel’s growing ability to get the fuck out of running back Adrian Peterson’s way. “Matt has displayed great balance and really fundamentally sound footwork when trying not to fuck up any of Adrian’s potential running lanes,” said head coach Mike Zimmer, noting that Cassel’s agility allows him to quickly and decisively move aside after handing the ball off to the six-time Pro Bowl running back. “He’s incredibly smooth when transitioning from the handoff to getting his ass as far away from Adrian as possible. That natural feel for how to steer absolutely fucking clear of the one person who could actually gain yards really opens up a lot of possibilities for our offense.” Zimmer added that Cassel also shows great command at the line of scrimmage when reading the defense and then quickly audibling between various running plays.

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