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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Vikings Not Going To Tinker With Way Adrian Peterson Fumbles Ball

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to preserve the running back's aggressive fumbling style, Vikings coach Brad Childress announced Monday that the training staff would not attempt to alter Adrian Peterson's two-point technique for loosely carrying the football. "When you have a great natural fumbler like Adrian Peterson, you don't want to mess with that," Childress said. "That's just raw talent right there. Nobody can expose the ball exactly the way he does. You can't teach that." Peterson has reportedly spent the off-season working with NFL veterans Warren Moon and Dave Krieg to improve his dropping mechanics.

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