Vikings Not Going To Tinker With Way Adrian Peterson Fumbles Ball

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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

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By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

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Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Vikings Not Going To Tinker With Way Adrian Peterson Fumbles Ball

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to preserve the running back's aggressive fumbling style, Vikings coach Brad Childress announced Monday that the training staff would not attempt to alter Adrian Peterson's two-point technique for loosely carrying the football. "When you have a great natural fumbler like Adrian Peterson, you don't want to mess with that," Childress said. "That's just raw talent right there. Nobody can expose the ball exactly the way he does. You can't teach that." Peterson has reportedly spent the off-season working with NFL veterans Warren Moon and Dave Krieg to improve his dropping mechanics.


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