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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Vikings Sticking With McNabb Because They Hate Him

MINNEAPOLIS—In a press conference Thursday, Minnesota head coach Leslie Frazier made it clear Donovan McNabb would remain the team’s quarterback for the foreseeable future, as Frazier and every other person in the Vikings organization completely despises the 12-year veteran and enjoys nothing more than seeing him fail. "Yes, we're 0-4, but starting Donovan McNabb is still what's best for the team and worst for his health and well-being," said Frazier, going so far as to add there is no other player in the entire NFL he'd rather see losing games for the Minnesota Vikings. "We know Christian Ponder is the QB of the future, but don't think this is about protecting him. This is about watching Donovan McNabb suffer." Despite his firm stance on the team’s starting quarterback, Frazier admitted he was hopeful Ponder would see action on the field this year after McNabb suffers a career-threatening injury.

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