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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Villagers Turned Into Crack Fighting Squad Overnight

SILVER GULCH, NV–The good, God-fearing people of Silver Gulch, a sleepy frontier town known primarily for its pleasant annual Founder's Festival and Ma Beasley's delicious pies, expertly fended off Boss Cafferty's armed goons following their overnight transformation into a crack fighting squad Sunday. "Those gun-slinging prairie pirates were no match for little Molly O'Shea and her tater skillet!" town miller Pete Johnson whooped after the estimated two dozen heavily armed thugs were driven from Main Street. "And anyone who tries to muscle in on Silver Gulch's diamond mine can expect the same!" Johnson and his fellow townsfolk were whipped into fighting shape by reformed outlaw Bart "Three Finger" Hoskins during a seven-minute montage sequence.

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