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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Villain Contends He, Hero 'Very Much Alike'

JUSTICE CITY—Two seemingly diametrically opposed figures were compared Monday as evil crimelord Cyrus Darkheart confided to longtime nemesis Captain Freedom that the two are in many ways"“very much alike." "We are not so different, are we?" Darkheart said. "You see, like me, the source of your great power is the very thing that threatens to destroy you. And yet you refuse to face it." Darkheart then noted aloud the irony of his observation before activating his doomsday device.

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