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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Vin Diesel Will Finally Kiss Car In 'Fast & Furious 6'

LOS ANGELES—Fans of the Fast & Furious franchise were reportedly thrilled this week after Universal Pictures announced the sixth installment in the series would include a long-anticipated love scene between star Vin Diesel and his character’s beloved 1970 Dodge Charger. “The sexual tension between Dom Toretto [Diesel] and his car has been simmering since the crew first stormed the world of underground racing in the first film, and now the audience will finally get to see that relationship taken to the next level,” a Universal spokesman said of the scene, which he confirmed occurs during a suspenseful chase sequence, with Diesel pausing a moment to pull the 900-horsepower automobile into an alley and passionately kiss its grill before the two screech back out onto the street. “After years of will-they-won’t-they, fans will finally get what they’ve been waiting for. Vin told us he was a little nervous about doing some of the steamier shots, but he was truly a professional about it. And trust me, he pulls it off.” At press time, representatives for both Diesel and the car had vehemently denied reports that the two were involved in an offscreen romance.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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