Vince McMahon's X-SPAN Promises Bone-Crunching Legislative Coverage

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Vol 37 Issue 08

Guidance Counselor Prefaces SAT Results By Talking About Test's Flaws

MAHWAH, NJ–In a preamble that boded poorly for the academic future of Mahwah High School senior Kevin Stember, guidance counselor Elvin Cross prefaced Stember's SAT scores by downplaying the test's reliability and worth Monday. "You know, the SAT is a flawed, inexact measure of one's abilities," a grim-faced Cross told Stember. "It measures what you know rather than what you're capable of doing." Cross added that there are many essential real-life skills the SAT fails to gauge, like punching in on time and maintaining a clean uniform.

Eminem Releases Single About Hugging Elton John At Grammys Then Ripping His Dick Off With Pliers

LOS ANGELES–With the nation still buzzing over his Feb. 21 Grammy Awards duet with Elton John, Eminem released a single Tuesday inspired by the performance. Among the song's lyrics: "I was at the Grammys and Elton John gave me a hug / So I got out my pliers and ripped his little faggot dick off with a tug / Shoved it down the throats of Britney, then Christina A. / Probably gave both of the bitches AIDS." John praised the song as "brave" and "coming from a very pure place."

Greenspan Considering Role In Ocean's Eleven Remake

WASHINGTON, DC–Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan confirmed Monday that he is considering a role in the upcoming remake of the 1960 Rat Pack heist caper Ocean's Eleven. "Tell [director Steven] Soderbergh I get the Dean Martin part, or he can take a flying hike," Greenspan, already in character, was overheard telling his manager at the posh D.C. eatery La Gondola. "I'm not canceling three weeks at Caesar's for the Lawford part. I can act rings around that fairy boy Brad Pitt and still satisfy five dames before his pants are off. Bada bing."

Television Executive's Baby Cancelled In Development Stage

LOS ANGELES–Deeming the fetus "not viable at this time," ABC vice-president of programming Lew Schaffer pulled the plug Monday on his unborn child after 11 weeks in development. "The baby was making impressive progress," Schaffer said. "But, unfortunately, it did not meet the needs of this network's vice-president of programming at this time." Schaffer expressed sympathy for Liz Harris, his former personal assistant and the fetus' co-creator, saying: "This was a hard decision, because I know this thing was really Liz's baby."

Improving NASCAR Safety

NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt's fatal crash at the Daytona 500 on Feb. 18 has prompted widespread calls for tougher safety measures. What steps is NASCAR taking?

Twister Party Fails To Get Dirty

LOUISVILLE, KY–Despite expectations that a group of adults playing the physically demanding Milton Bradley game would degenerate into a sexual free-for-all, University of Louisville graduate student Amanda Corcoran's invite-only Twister party failed to get dirty, a disappointed party attendee reported Saturday.

Layoffs And The R-Word

Every day, another major company announces thousands of layoffs, stoking fears of an economic recession. What do you think?

Government Report On Illiteracy Copied Straight From Encyclopedia

WASHINGTON, DC–Scandal erupted Monday, when it was discovered that a recent Department of Education report on illiteracy was copied directly from the 1982 Encyclopedia Britannica. "Illiteracy is the inability to read," the plagiarized report read in part. "It affects many nations, including the United States." Responding to the controversy, Education Secretary Rod Paige argued that the department was told it could use Library of Congress materials in reports.
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Vince McMahon's X-SPAN Promises Bone-Crunching Legislative Coverage

WASHINGTON, DC–At a press conference Monday, pro-wrestling tycoon and entrepreneur Vince McMahon unveiled his latest broadcasting venture: X-SPAN, a 24-hour cable network that promises "in-your-face, X-treme lawmaking coverage that puts C-SPAN to shame."

McMahon announces his new "in-your-face" 24-hour congressional cable channel.

"On March 24, everything you know about the legislative process goes up in flames," McMahon said. "Get ready for bone-crunching, smashmouth 21st-century lawmaking."

"C-SPAN is for wimps," McMahon added. "They're a bunch of grannies."

X-SPAN will make its debut at noon in the Bicameraldome, a $460 million, state-of-the-art facility McMahon built to house his new cast of legislators. Opening debate will focus on the Insurance Deregulation Act, an "X-plosive" new bill that would give large insurance firms greater leeway in investing in foreign holdings. The bill's sponsor, X-Representative Big Kahuna Joe (R-HI), vowed to reporters that he will "debate any opponent, any time, anywhere, regarding the merits of this bill."

According to the terms of the new McMahon-imposed legislative process, X-Representatives from all 50 states will introduce bills to the Big Bad House Of Pain. Bills passed by a simple majority will be run through The Gauntlet Of Warriors, a hard-core third house of Congress where proposed legislation must survive not only a floor vote but a vicious beating with spiked clubs. If the bill survives, it moves on to the X-Senate and then to the president, who can then either sign it or challenge its sponsor to a chainsaw joust. If defeated in the joust, the bill's sponsor is banished for all eternity to Capitol Hell.

In another move designed to stoke viewer interest, legislators will be allowed and even encouraged to date Senate pages, a bevy of short-skirted former strippers dubbed G.L.O.S.S.–the Gorgeous Ladies Of Senatorial Service.

X-Representatives debate the Census Bureau Reorganization Bill during an exhibition session.

"These gals," McMahon said, "are real sluts."

McMahon also promised to make congressional races more "X-citing" by lifting restrictions on soft money, electioneering, and throwing dust into an opponent's face to blind him. McMahon said he hopes that de-emphasizing "boring old ethics" will lead to more rivalries and betrayals, spicing up coverage.

For the upcoming legislative year, McMahon is grooming as a leading villain X-Rep. Big Chief Tomahawk (D-WY), a bare-chested Sioux chief famous for his "Warrior Shriek" filibusters. As for breakthrough stars, McMahon is touting The All-American Boy (R-KS), a strapping, blond "good" X-Senator who takes down opponents of his bills with his signature finishing move, the "Majority Whip."

Rumors are also swirling around Darkshade (I-Nether Zone), an enigmatic, masked X-Senator who never speaks and always appears with Nevermore, his chief advisor. According to Nevermore, the demons of Cataclysma will break free of their unholy bonds on Halloween during the pay-per-view Senate Slamma-Jamma Damnationals–unless Darkshade's revisions to the Family Medical Leave Act are approved before the stroke of midnight.

Despite McMahon's confidence in his new venture, political experts remain skeptical. Commenting on last Saturday's exhibition session, Dr. Anthony Wingfield of Harvard's John F. Kennedy School of Government said: "This strikes me as a crass attempt to take a perfectly good political process and make it more exploitative and titillating. If X-Rep. Whack Daddy (D-MI) throws a smoke bomb at X-Rep. J.P. Moneybags (R-CT) because he made romantic overtures to the Beautiful Veronica, that does not make for good government, however satisfying it may be on a primal level."

X-SPAN is also drawing fire from conventional lawmakers, who subscribe to the old-school, "constitutionally mandated" process of lawmaking.

"The very idea of participatory democracy demands that we, the elected Congress, have full authority to sponsor and vote upon the laws of the land," said Sen. Don Nickles (R-OK), a "real" senator from Oklahoma. "This 'Bunko The Evil Clown' character may consider himself to be acting as senator for the citizens of Oklahoma, but the people know that the men they elected, James Inhofe and myself, are their real representatives in the senate."

Continued Nickles: "Besides, that thing where Bunko and [Sen.] The Gator [(R-FL)] double-teamed [Sen.] Billy Bob Banjo [(D-AL)] and hypnotized him into voting against his own fair-housing bill? That was totally fake."

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