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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Vince Young Rewatches 2006 Rose Bowl Game Alone At Bus Depot

BUFFALO, NY—In the wake of his release from the Bills earlier this week, quarterback Vince Young was reportedly spotted sitting alone Thursday night rewatching the 2005-2006 BCS National Championship game on his laptop at a Buffalo bus depot. “Just look at that speed, that agility, that confidence to break out of the pocket and make a play,” Young said to no one in particular, describing aloud the thrilling 41-38 victory over USC. “Fourth and five with 26 seconds left, the Longhorns down by five, can Young do it? There’s the snap, Young steps back to pass, now he takes off for the end zone. Go Vince Go! Touchdown! Vince Young wins it for the Longhorns!” After watching the national championship trophy presentation, sources confirmed that Young was heard mumbling, “This kid will be a huge NFL star someday.”

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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