adBlockCheck

Sports

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Vince Young Rewatches 2006 Rose Bowl Game Alone At Bus Depot

BUFFALO, NY—In the wake of his release from the Bills earlier this week, quarterback Vince Young was reportedly spotted sitting alone Thursday night rewatching the 2005-2006 BCS National Championship game on his laptop at a Buffalo bus depot. “Just look at that speed, that agility, that confidence to break out of the pocket and make a play,” Young said to no one in particular, describing aloud the thrilling 41-38 victory over USC. “Fourth and five with 26 seconds left, the Longhorns down by five, can Young do it? There’s the snap, Young steps back to pass, now he takes off for the end zone. Go Vince Go! Touchdown! Vince Young wins it for the Longhorns!” After watching the national championship trophy presentation, sources confirmed that Young was heard mumbling, “This kid will be a huge NFL star someday.”

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close