adBlockCheck

Vincenzo Brothers Give Federal Government Five Days to Pay Off National Debt

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Vincenzo Brothers Give Federal Government Five Days to Pay Off National Debt

James and Vito Vincenzo, brothers and co-owners of Vincenzo Family Construction and Waste Removal Corporation of Long Island, NY, announced Monday they will give the U.S. government five days to fully repay the national debt. Though the two brothers declined to specify what would happen if the government failed to repay its $4.1 trillion debt, they did imply that a failure to do so would be “extremely unfortunate.”

“We are so terribly disappointed in the government’s continued inability to repay our loan, a loan we made in good faith,” said Vito Vincenzo at Monday’s press conference. “We have been owed this money since the early 1950s and are beginning to grow impatient. Should we not receive full payment in the allotted five days, I am afraid the consequences will likely be out of our hands.”

“We love this country very much,” added James Vincenzo, Vito’s younger brother. “Nearly as much as we love our own dear mother Celeste Vincenzo—God rest her soul—and beautiful Sicily. So we would be greatly saddened if some of America’s more beautiful buildings and landmarks were to collapse due to a series of, let’s just say, unfortunate accidents. Like that Grand Canyon. That’s a real nice piece of land—I would certainly hate to see anything happen to it.”

At a press conference yesterday, President Clinton, sporting casts on his legs due to a “nasty spill down the stairs,” addressed the matter.

“We are working hard to repay the Vincenzo brothers as quickly as possible,” he said. “I value these two respectable businessmen and their spirit of giving and patience. James and Vito, if you are listening, I am working with Congress to cut several major welfare programs and restructure the federal tax brackets as we speak, and I am confident we should have at least $450 billion for you by Friday.”

Though Clinton promised to repay the debt in full, he noted that the majority of it is Ronald Reagan’s fault and strongly encouraged the Vincenzo brothers to “pay the 40th president a small visit” at his San Fernando Valley nursing home/ranch.

“Mr. Clinton is a very nice man for saying these things. A very nice man,” Vito Vincenzo said. “Were it up to me, I would just forget the whole thing. But unfortunately it just isn’t like that. We love Mr. Clinton and his beautiful wife Hillary. And that precious little Chelsea is just a doll. It would be tragic if she were to disappear on the way home from school only to turn up several months later in a dumpster in Passaic, New Jersey. That would be a real shame.”

Whether the government can gather together the money in the allotted time is in serious question. However, many other respectable business families, including the Salvatores, the Gambinos and the Gottis, have stepped forward with offers to loan the government the needed money at a reasonable interest rate.

The Vincenzo family has a long history of providing loans to people and organizations in need since arriving in the U.S. in the early 1920s, boasting a client list that includes many heads of government and captains of industry. The mantle of leadership has since been passed down from father to son, ending up in James and Vito’s hands in 1967, when their father was killed in a freak shooting accident.

The Vincenzo loans that led up to the current government debt began in 1953, and have since been used for the purchase of critically needed military equipment, arms for Central American democratic rebels and new traffic signs throughout the Midwest.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close