Vincenzo Brothers Give Federal Government Five Days to Pay Off National Debt

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Vincenzo Brothers Give Federal Government Five Days to Pay Off National Debt

James and Vito Vincenzo, brothers and co-owners of Vincenzo Family Construction and Waste Removal Corporation of Long Island, NY, announced Monday they will give the U.S. government five days to fully repay the national debt. Though the two brothers declined to specify what would happen if the government failed to repay its $4.1 trillion debt, they did imply that a failure to do so would be “extremely unfortunate.”

“We are so terribly disappointed in the government’s continued inability to repay our loan, a loan we made in good faith,” said Vito Vincenzo at Monday’s press conference. “We have been owed this money since the early 1950s and are beginning to grow impatient. Should we not receive full payment in the allotted five days, I am afraid the consequences will likely be out of our hands.”

“We love this country very much,” added James Vincenzo, Vito’s younger brother. “Nearly as much as we love our own dear mother Celeste Vincenzo—God rest her soul—and beautiful Sicily. So we would be greatly saddened if some of America’s more beautiful buildings and landmarks were to collapse due to a series of, let’s just say, unfortunate accidents. Like that Grand Canyon. That’s a real nice piece of land—I would certainly hate to see anything happen to it.”

At a press conference yesterday, President Clinton, sporting casts on his legs due to a “nasty spill down the stairs,” addressed the matter.

“We are working hard to repay the Vincenzo brothers as quickly as possible,” he said. “I value these two respectable businessmen and their spirit of giving and patience. James and Vito, if you are listening, I am working with Congress to cut several major welfare programs and restructure the federal tax brackets as we speak, and I am confident we should have at least $450 billion for you by Friday.”

Though Clinton promised to repay the debt in full, he noted that the majority of it is Ronald Reagan’s fault and strongly encouraged the Vincenzo brothers to “pay the 40th president a small visit” at his San Fernando Valley nursing home/ranch.

“Mr. Clinton is a very nice man for saying these things. A very nice man,” Vito Vincenzo said. “Were it up to me, I would just forget the whole thing. But unfortunately it just isn’t like that. We love Mr. Clinton and his beautiful wife Hillary. And that precious little Chelsea is just a doll. It would be tragic if she were to disappear on the way home from school only to turn up several months later in a dumpster in Passaic, New Jersey. That would be a real shame.”

Whether the government can gather together the money in the allotted time is in serious question. However, many other respectable business families, including the Salvatores, the Gambinos and the Gottis, have stepped forward with offers to loan the government the needed money at a reasonable interest rate.

The Vincenzo family has a long history of providing loans to people and organizations in need since arriving in the U.S. in the early 1920s, boasting a client list that includes many heads of government and captains of industry. The mantle of leadership has since been passed down from father to son, ending up in James and Vito’s hands in 1967, when their father was killed in a freak shooting accident.

The Vincenzo loans that led up to the current government debt began in 1953, and have since been used for the purchase of critically needed military equipment, arms for Central American democratic rebels and new traffic signs throughout the Midwest.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close