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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Vincenzo Brothers Give Federal Government Five Days to Pay Off National Debt

James and Vito Vincenzo, brothers and co-owners of Vincenzo Family Construction and Waste Removal Corporation of Long Island, NY, announced Monday they will give the U.S. government five days to fully repay the national debt. Though the two brothers declined to specify what would happen if the government failed to repay its $4.1 trillion debt, they did imply that a failure to do so would be “extremely unfortunate.”

“We are so terribly disappointed in the government’s continued inability to repay our loan, a loan we made in good faith,” said Vito Vincenzo at Monday’s press conference. “We have been owed this money since the early 1950s and are beginning to grow impatient. Should we not receive full payment in the allotted five days, I am afraid the consequences will likely be out of our hands.”

“We love this country very much,” added James Vincenzo, Vito’s younger brother. “Nearly as much as we love our own dear mother Celeste Vincenzo—God rest her soul—and beautiful Sicily. So we would be greatly saddened if some of America’s more beautiful buildings and landmarks were to collapse due to a series of, let’s just say, unfortunate accidents. Like that Grand Canyon. That’s a real nice piece of land—I would certainly hate to see anything happen to it.”

At a press conference yesterday, President Clinton, sporting casts on his legs due to a “nasty spill down the stairs,” addressed the matter.

“We are working hard to repay the Vincenzo brothers as quickly as possible,” he said. “I value these two respectable businessmen and their spirit of giving and patience. James and Vito, if you are listening, I am working with Congress to cut several major welfare programs and restructure the federal tax brackets as we speak, and I am confident we should have at least $450 billion for you by Friday.”

Though Clinton promised to repay the debt in full, he noted that the majority of it is Ronald Reagan’s fault and strongly encouraged the Vincenzo brothers to “pay the 40th president a small visit” at his San Fernando Valley nursing home/ranch.

“Mr. Clinton is a very nice man for saying these things. A very nice man,” Vito Vincenzo said. “Were it up to me, I would just forget the whole thing. But unfortunately it just isn’t like that. We love Mr. Clinton and his beautiful wife Hillary. And that precious little Chelsea is just a doll. It would be tragic if she were to disappear on the way home from school only to turn up several months later in a dumpster in Passaic, New Jersey. That would be a real shame.”

Whether the government can gather together the money in the allotted time is in serious question. However, many other respectable business families, including the Salvatores, the Gambinos and the Gottis, have stepped forward with offers to loan the government the needed money at a reasonable interest rate.

The Vincenzo family has a long history of providing loans to people and organizations in need since arriving in the U.S. in the early 1920s, boasting a client list that includes many heads of government and captains of industry. The mantle of leadership has since been passed down from father to son, ending up in James and Vito’s hands in 1967, when their father was killed in a freak shooting accident.

The Vincenzo loans that led up to the current government debt began in 1953, and have since been used for the purchase of critically needed military equipment, arms for Central American democratic rebels and new traffic signs throughout the Midwest.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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