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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Violence Erupts At Trump Rally After Supporters Clash With Protesting GOP Leaders

TAMPA, FL—Describing a chaotic scene that resulted in dozens of injuries, sources confirmed Tuesday that violence erupted at a rally for Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump after his supporters clashed with protesting GOP leaders. “Five minutes into Trump’s speech, these really upset older guys in suits suddenly stood up and started shouting a bunch of anti-Trump stuff, and the crowd immediately started pounding on them,” said rally attendee Jared Boyton, noting that former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, who hoisted a handmade sign depicting Trump in a KKK robe beneath the words “Fascism Is Not Conservatism,” was quickly knocked out by a punch to the back of the head, and that Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham were shoved to the floor and repeatedly kicked by the angry mob. “Then [RNC chairman] Reince Priebus and [House Speaker] Paul Ryan rushed the stage and tried to grab Trump’s microphone, but the Secret Service tackled them both to the ground. They kept yelling something about how Trump must be stopped as the agents dragged them out of the building, but you couldn’t really hear what they were saying over the crowd’s boos.” Sources confirmed that the bloodied and battered Republican leaders were held overnight in the Hillsborough County Jail before being bailed out by former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg.

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