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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Violence Erupts At Trump Rally After Supporters Clash With Protesting GOP Leaders

TAMPA, FL—Describing a chaotic scene that resulted in dozens of injuries, sources confirmed Tuesday that violence erupted at a rally for Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump after his supporters clashed with protesting GOP leaders. “Five minutes into Trump’s speech, these really upset older guys in suits suddenly stood up and started shouting a bunch of anti-Trump stuff, and the crowd immediately started pounding on them,” said rally attendee Jared Boyton, noting that former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, who hoisted a handmade sign depicting Trump in a KKK robe beneath the words “Fascism Is Not Conservatism,” was quickly knocked out by a punch to the back of the head, and that Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham were shoved to the floor and repeatedly kicked by the angry mob. “Then [RNC chairman] Reince Priebus and [House Speaker] Paul Ryan rushed the stage and tried to grab Trump’s microphone, but the Secret Service tackled them both to the ground. They kept yelling something about how Trump must be stopped as the agents dragged them out of the building, but you couldn’t really hear what they were saying over the crowd’s boos.” Sources confirmed that the bloodied and battered Republican leaders were held overnight in the Hillsborough County Jail before being bailed out by former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg.

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