Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Virginia Shooting Somehow Proves What Every Single American Has Been Saying All Along

WASHINGTON—In the wake of this morning’s mass shooting in Alexandria, VA, every single American from across the political spectrum was reportedly able to cite the tragedy as irrefutable proof that they had been right about everything all along. “I’ve always said gun control puts our citizens at risk and makes them sitting ducks for any criminal who doesn’t play by the rules, and today, sadly, all my fears were confirmed,” said conservative Paula Frazier of Willoughby, OH, one of the hundreds of millions of Americans who said it gave them no pleasure at all to have their long-held beliefs so thoroughly validated. Added liberal Marc Watson of Savannah, GA: “When any unhinged maniac can just waltz into a store or gun show and buy a weapon specifically designed for mass casualties, this is unfortunately what happens—exactly like I’ve said from the very beginning.” At press time, every American was dejected at the thought of how soon they would be proven absolutely right once again.

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