adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Visa Calls Indians To Confirm They Actually Did Intend To Take On More Salary

CLEVELAND—According to Indians team sources, an investigator within the fraud department of Visa phoned Cleveland owner Larry Dolan Thursday to discuss unusual activity on the team’s credit card—a $2.8 million purchase of Rockies pitcher Ubaldo Jimenez. “I immediately flagged the account and asked Mr. Dolan if he recently bought anything in Colorado,” said the investigator, adding that the irregularity caught the attention of his department because, according to Visa’s records, Dolan rarely spends any money around this time of year. “He usually just deposits several million dollars at the beginning of every August. But to be honest, it was spending that kind of money on a guy who is 6-9 with a 4.46 ERA that made us think the card had been stolen.” Visa also contacted Cubs owner Joseph Ricketts, not in regard to any recent account activity, but just to yell at him for fucking up another season.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close