adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
End Of Section
  • More News

Visa Calls Indians To Confirm They Actually Did Intend To Take On More Salary

CLEVELAND—According to Indians team sources, an investigator within the fraud department of Visa phoned Cleveland owner Larry Dolan Thursday to discuss unusual activity on the team’s credit card—a $2.8 million purchase of Rockies pitcher Ubaldo Jimenez. “I immediately flagged the account and asked Mr. Dolan if he recently bought anything in Colorado,” said the investigator, adding that the irregularity caught the attention of his department because, according to Visa’s records, Dolan rarely spends any money around this time of year. “He usually just deposits several million dollars at the beginning of every August. But to be honest, it was spending that kind of money on a guy who is 6-9 with a 4.46 ERA that made us think the card had been stolen.” Visa also contacted Cubs owner Joseph Ricketts, not in regard to any recent account activity, but just to yell at him for fucking up another season.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close