adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Visine Introduces New Eye-Whitening Strips

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—The Johnson and Johnson company unveiled its new Visine-brand "Eye-Bright" whitening strips Tuesday, an over-the-counter product designed to reduce unsightly stains in bloodshot and yellowed eyeballs. "If you're one of the millions who suffer from embarrassing ocular discoloration, this is the remedy you've been waiting for," spokeswoman Bonnie Jacob said of the adhesive strip, which, according to instructions, should be smoothed over an open eye, left on overnight while it fastens to the cornea, and then peeled off along with a thick membrane of broken capillaries and undesirable pigmentation. "Eye-Bright gets your eyeballs up to six shades whiter, thanks to a unique formula that penetrates optical tissues to scrub out ugly blotches at their source." Jacob added that consumers should discontinue use if swollen eyes reach billiard-ball size or sudden eruptions of vitreous fluid occur.

More from this section

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close