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Visine Introduces New Eye-Whitening Strips

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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Visine Introduces New Eye-Whitening Strips

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—The Johnson and Johnson company unveiled its new Visine-brand "Eye-Bright" whitening strips Tuesday, an over-the-counter product designed to reduce unsightly stains in bloodshot and yellowed eyeballs. "If you're one of the millions who suffer from embarrassing ocular discoloration, this is the remedy you've been waiting for," spokeswoman Bonnie Jacob said of the adhesive strip, which, according to instructions, should be smoothed over an open eye, left on overnight while it fastens to the cornea, and then peeled off along with a thick membrane of broken capillaries and undesirable pigmentation. "Eye-Bright gets your eyeballs up to six shades whiter, thanks to a unique formula that penetrates optical tissues to scrub out ugly blotches at their source." Jacob added that consumers should discontinue use if swollen eyes reach billiard-ball size or sudden eruptions of vitreous fluid occur.

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