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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Visine Introduces New Eye-Whitening Strips

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—The Johnson and Johnson company unveiled its new Visine-brand "Eye-Bright" whitening strips Tuesday, an over-the-counter product designed to reduce unsightly stains in bloodshot and yellowed eyeballs. "If you're one of the millions who suffer from embarrassing ocular discoloration, this is the remedy you've been waiting for," spokeswoman Bonnie Jacob said of the adhesive strip, which, according to instructions, should be smoothed over an open eye, left on overnight while it fastens to the cornea, and then peeled off along with a thick membrane of broken capillaries and undesirable pigmentation. "Eye-Bright gets your eyeballs up to six shades whiter, thanks to a unique formula that penetrates optical tissues to scrub out ugly blotches at their source." Jacob added that consumers should discontinue use if swollen eyes reach billiard-ball size or sudden eruptions of vitreous fluid occur.

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