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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents

PINE BLUFF, AR—Telling their son he should take it easy because he deserves it, the parents of 26-year-old Austin, TX resident Jason Gibney referred to the time he spent visiting his family in Arkansas over the Easter weekend as a vacation, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “It must feel nice to escape from work and just kick back for a while, huh?” mother Linda Gibney said of the four days her son reportedly spent in a house where the local CBS affiliate was left on at high volumes the entire day and he slept on a twin mattress in a bedroom that doubles as a storage space, escaping only when he could borrow his parents’ car. “We’re so glad you decided to spend your vacation here. This is your little getaway, so just enjoy yourself and don’t worry about anything. We want to make sure you relax.” According to reports, halfway through his so-called vacation, Jason accompanied his father, Larry Gibney, on a trip to the hardware store.

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