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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Visit To Doctor Splurged On

WILMINGTON, DE—Admitting that it has been a long time since he’s allowed himself such an indulgence, local 26-year-old Greg Burnet told reporters Thursday that he recently decided to splurge on an appointment with his general practitioner. “I’ve been pretty good about saving up my money and I thought now was the time to really treat myself to a medical examination of the chronic abdominal pain I’ve been experiencing,” said the part-time office assistant and freelance graphic designer, adding that he was determined to “really pamper [himself]” by resting on an exam table as his doctor searched for a possible hernia. “Normally, I wouldn’t be one to just throw money around on blood tests and X-rays like this, but today’s all about me. Who knows, when I get the results back, I might even go all out on a trip to the hospital. I’d like to think I’ve earned it.” When contacted following his appointment, Burnet informed reporters that the medical treatment had left him riddled with guilt, announcing repeatedly that he would be less impulsive and reckless with his money in the future.

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