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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Visit To Doctor Splurged On

WILMINGTON, DE—Admitting that it has been a long time since he’s allowed himself such an indulgence, local 26-year-old Greg Burnet told reporters Thursday that he recently decided to splurge on an appointment with his general practitioner. “I’ve been pretty good about saving up my money and I thought now was the time to really treat myself to a medical examination of the chronic abdominal pain I’ve been experiencing,” said the part-time office assistant and freelance graphic designer, adding that he was determined to “really pamper [himself]” by resting on an exam table as his doctor searched for a possible hernia. “Normally, I wouldn’t be one to just throw money around on blood tests and X-rays like this, but today’s all about me. Who knows, when I get the results back, I might even go all out on a trip to the hospital. I’d like to think I’ve earned it.” When contacted following his appointment, Burnet informed reporters that the medical treatment had left him riddled with guilt, announcing repeatedly that he would be less impulsive and reckless with his money in the future.

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