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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Visit To Doctor Splurged On

WILMINGTON, DE—Admitting that it has been a long time since he’s allowed himself such an indulgence, local 26-year-old Greg Burnet told reporters Thursday that he recently decided to splurge on an appointment with his general practitioner. “I’ve been pretty good about saving up my money and I thought now was the time to really treat myself to a medical examination of the chronic abdominal pain I’ve been experiencing,” said the part-time office assistant and freelance graphic designer, adding that he was determined to “really pamper [himself]” by resting on an exam table as his doctor searched for a possible hernia. “Normally, I wouldn’t be one to just throw money around on blood tests and X-rays like this, but today’s all about me. Who knows, when I get the results back, I might even go all out on a trip to the hospital. I’d like to think I’ve earned it.” When contacted following his appointment, Burnet informed reporters that the medical treatment had left him riddled with guilt, announcing repeatedly that he would be less impulsive and reckless with his money in the future.

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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