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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Visiting Chinese PM Presents Obama With 'The Expendables' On DVD

WASHINGTON—At a Rose Garden ceremony Tuesday, visiting Chinese prime minister Wen Jiabao presented President Barack Obama with a DVD of the forthcoming action film The Expendables, which opens nationwide Aug. 13. "I offer this gift humbly, as a gesture of goodwill from the Chinese people and as a symbol of the enduring bond of friendship and cooperation between our two nations," Wen said through a translator before posing for photographs in which he and Obama together held the DVD case, which features a blurry, photocopied image of the film's poster and misspells Sylvester Stallone. "We hope that you will enjoy it. And watch for the Bruce Willis and [Arnold] Schwarzenegger cameos—they're pretty cool." Obama politely accepted the gift despite the fact that he had already purchased a copy last week during a trip to New York City.

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