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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Visiting Chinese PM Presents Obama With 'The Expendables' On DVD

WASHINGTON—At a Rose Garden ceremony Tuesday, visiting Chinese prime minister Wen Jiabao presented President Barack Obama with a DVD of the forthcoming action film The Expendables, which opens nationwide Aug. 13. "I offer this gift humbly, as a gesture of goodwill from the Chinese people and as a symbol of the enduring bond of friendship and cooperation between our two nations," Wen said through a translator before posing for photographs in which he and Obama together held the DVD case, which features a blurry, photocopied image of the film's poster and misspells Sylvester Stallone. "We hope that you will enjoy it. And watch for the Bruce Willis and [Arnold] Schwarzenegger cameos—they're pretty cool." Obama politely accepted the gift despite the fact that he had already purchased a copy last week during a trip to New York City.

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