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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Visiting Chinese PM Presents Obama With 'The Expendables' On DVD

WASHINGTON—At a Rose Garden ceremony Tuesday, visiting Chinese prime minister Wen Jiabao presented President Barack Obama with a DVD of the forthcoming action film The Expendables, which opens nationwide Aug. 13. "I offer this gift humbly, as a gesture of goodwill from the Chinese people and as a symbol of the enduring bond of friendship and cooperation between our two nations," Wen said through a translator before posing for photographs in which he and Obama together held the DVD case, which features a blurry, photocopied image of the film's poster and misspells Sylvester Stallone. "We hope that you will enjoy it. And watch for the Bruce Willis and [Arnold] Schwarzenegger cameos—they're pretty cool." Obama politely accepted the gift despite the fact that he had already purchased a copy last week during a trip to New York City.

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