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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Visiting Friend Okay Doing Whatever

SAN FRANCISCO—Minutes after arriving at Scott Clark's apartment Friday, college friend Marc Karam, 26, announced that he didn't really have any plans in mind for his visit, and that he would be fine doing pretty much whatever this weekend. "Up to you, man—I'm down for anything," said Karam, suggesting the two could just walk around the city for a while, check out Fisherman's Wharf, hang out in the apartment, or maybe see what Brent's up to later. "Honestly, I'm just here to see you, so it really doesn't matter to me. And hey, if you got stuff you need to do, just go do it. I brought my laptop." Clark later suggested that the two could go to Chinatown, which Karam rejected, saying he'd rather do something he hasn't done before.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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