Visiting Gore Calls Pennsylvania 'A Hellhole'

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Vol 36 Issue 27

Area Maggot Has Urgent News About Reincarnation

NEONTA, NY–A cabbage maggot called a press conference Tuesday to reveal "urgent" news concerning humanity and the afterlife. "First and foremost, I can tell you from firsthand experience that reincarnation is very real," the maggot said. "Second, though becoming a corporate attorney may seem like an easy route to making loads of money and living the good life, it will ultimately leave you feeling profoundly empty inside. Become a teacher or social worker instead." The maggot then returned to eating a rotting dog carcass.

Needle-Exchange Program Attracting 'Druggies'

CLEVELAND–A city-sponsored "Be Safe, Be Clean" needle-exchange program is in limbo due to suspicions that "dope-heads" and "druggies" may be using the program to obtain free drug paraphernalia, sources reported Monday. "Our intent was to encourage citizens who regularly use syringes to hypodermically inject substances into their bodies to use clean syringes instead of passing needles back and forth between friends, thus reducing the risk of disease," program spokesman James Dunwoody said. "But instead, our program seems to be attracting junkies and other unsavory criminal elements." Dunwoody said the program will be discontinued if the city's smack fiends do not stop abusing it.

Young Couple Hasn't Yet Realized They Don't Have To Do Grocery Shopping, Laundry Together

BREMERTON, WA–According to observers, Jon Lowe, 22, and Rachel Dennard, 21, have not yet realized that grocery shopping and laundry can be accomplished by a single person. "I was at the laundromat yesterday and saw the two of them loading clothes into the dryer together," fellow Bremerton resident Michelle Ganz, 37, said Monday. "I guess being apart for the time it takes to toss some shit in the wash is an eternity of longing for those two."

Zweibel's Metamorphosis

Observant readers of this paper know that the first week of August is traditionally set aside in the Zweibel household for the scald-cleaning, acid-etching, and shriving of my iron-lung, and this year was no different. Last Sunday, Doc McGillicuddy arrived in my bed-chamber and, with the help of the stable-boy Augustus and a pair of swarthy roust-abouts from the village smithy, removed my time-blasted carcass from its tomb. An audible hissing pop accompanied the loosening of the last bolt, and at the sight of my leprous fore-arms and the great plates of scabrous horn which have overgrown my chest, the roust-abouts screamed like a pair of God-damned fat ladies. Doc McGillicuddy, seeing that I was apoplectic with rage, filled my veins with the laudanum and transferred me once again to the wheeled death-bed that is my temporary resting place on these occasions. Exhausted from the effort, I fell into a fit-ful sleep.

Bush Takes The Lead

Gaining steam after last week's Republican National Convention, presidential candidate George W. Bush enjoys a strong lead over Al Gore in the polls. What do you think about his recent surge?

Sign Of The Crossed

Well, Jeanketeers, I really messed up big this time. No, I didn't put dark clothes in with the light ones again. And, no, I didn't accidentally erase hubby Rick's Winston Cup series videotapes, either. I'm having a hard time knowing how to put this, but, well, let's just say I'm sorry about all the born-again Christian stuff I said in my last column. I thought I was born again, but I guess I'm not.

Republicans' 'Diversity Through Imported Africans' Plan Criticized

WASHINGTON, DC–A plank in the Republican Party platform calling for a 'Diversity Through Imported Africans' program is drawing fire from civil-rights leaders. "I do not see why the NAACP would be opposed to the further enrichment of our nation's glorious patchwork of races," U.S. Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC), co-author of the plan, said Monday. "We merely seek to increase America's already remarkable diversity through the importation of 10 million strong-backed West African males. These healthy, disease-free males from such nations as Gabon, Benin, and Togo will only add spice to the wondrous cultural stew that is America." Helms added that the plan will also create millions of jobs in the fields of housekeeping and farmwork.
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Visiting Gore Calls Pennsylvania 'A Hellhole'

ALTOONA, PA–During a campaign stop at an Altoona paper mill Monday, presidential contender Al Gore launched into an unexpected 40-minute tirade against the "not-so-great state of Pennsylvania," calling it "the nation's armpit" and "a total hellhole."

Gore greets diner patrons in Scranton, a city he called "the absolute worst place on Earth."

"Over the past few days, I have traveled all over your state and met many of you. And what has impressed me most is that no matter where I have gone, my reaction has been the same: 'Oh, God, get me the fuck out of this dump,'" said Gore, who alternately referred to the Keystone State's 12 million residents as "animals" and "ghouls." "From Pittsburgh to Philadelphia, from Erie to Easton, the places and faces of Pennsylvania stand in direct opposition to everything that makes America great."

Gore went on to tell the assembled mill workers that he "couldn't care less" if he loses Pennsylvania's 23 electoral votes, so long as he "never [has] to set foot in this steaming dungheap again."

Raising his voice and pointing at the crowd, Gore continued: "During this presidential campaign, I have had the opportunity to criss-cross this great land. At each stop along the way, I have been deeply touched by the courage and conviction of the American people. But, holy crap, you people are craven, gutless cowards. I haven't the slightest clue what base and hideous interests of yours I could possibly defend as your next president. I do not even vaguely know what drives you subhuman pig-men, but I am sure I don't want to know."

Later in the day, Gore made an appearance at the Johnstown Agriculture Fair, at which he served as judge in the Sorghum Queen pageant. The vice-president was overheard making numerous inflammatory comments off-microphone, including, "Get these bitches out of here" and, "This is someone's idea of an attractive woman?" One contestant, attempting to present Gore with a bushel of Pennsylvania apples, was reportedly waved aside with the words, "No. No fucking way."

Gore concluded his day on the steps of the State Capitol in Harrisburg, where he lowered the Pennsylvania flag, shredded it with a large hunting knife, and urinated on the shreds. He then delivered a speech in which he shared the tales of numerous Pennsylvanians he had encountered during his travels through the state.

The skyline of Pittsburgh, which Gore called "maybe even worse than Scranton."

"Of all the stories I have heard on this trip, none has touched me more deeply than that of Karen Swendeman of New Castle," Gore said. "At the young age of 18, Karen married her high-school sweetheart Jeff. Not long after, she gave birth to twins. But less than a year later, her joy turned to the deepest grief when Jeff was killed in a foundry accident. As young Karen looked into my eyes and whined, 'Oh, Mr. Gore, I can't afford this, I can't afford that,' I felt my very gorge rising up the back of my throat. I mean, why do Pennsylvania's stupid broads go and get knocked up like that?"

Continued Gore: "I also recall Herman Eisler of Shippensburg, who fought bravely in the Second World War and raised a family in a house he built himself. When the Social Security Administration failed Herman–because, I don't know, he needed some pills or something and couldn't get them–he turned into a bitter, pathetic shell of a man that no one could stand to be around. What a loser."

"And, finally, I recall Philadelphia's Martin Shaughnessy, who, at the ripe old age of 98, has been Independence Hall's caretaker for the past 60 years–the longest anyone has held the auspicious post," Gore said. "And, between you and me, that old crank will talk for 10 hours straight if you let him and not say anything that makes any sense whatsoever. That dude is senile, big-time."

Added Gore, "And what's the big deal with the cheesesteak sandwiches? They taste like shit. I wouldn't feed them to the dogs they're probably made out of."

Turning to sneer derisively at members of the Monongahela Drum & Bugle Corps, whose 225 members stood nearby on the steps of the capitol, Gore wrapped up the verbal assault.

"Every second I spend in this dark and evil state is sheer agony," he said. "A second feels like a week in the presence of you monstrous non-people. I would have left Pennsylvania long ago, but I wanted every last one of you grubby, ass-faced animals to realize exactly where you stand in the food chain. You are not a part of that chain. You exist outside of the human community, and when I am in the White House, I will make sure that the whole nation–indeed, the world–understands that fact with no ambiguity. I will not represent you. I will not defend you. I will allow and even invite any nation to invade and destroy this horrible graveyard of the soul. To hell with all of you, and good riddance."

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