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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Visiting Parents Do Their Best To Praise Son's New Apartment

BROOKLYN, NY—Parents of 23-year-old Jack Gambel attempted to put a positive spin on their son's new Brooklyn apartment Monday, referring to the one-bedroom railroad-style residence's location above a Chinese food restaurant as "charming," and calling the exposed hot-water pipes "very New York." "And you won't have to spend a lot of time cleaning a bathroom this size," added father Dave Gambel, who agreed with wife Barbara that the 10-by-12-foot bedroom's lack of natural sunlight will help their son get a full night's sleep. "You can invite some friends over for a painting party and just cover those stains right up—make a day of it." Mrs. Gambel also noted that the thrift-store table in the "cozy" kitchen/television area/dining room was the perfect size for his father to write out a $1,750 rent check.

After Birth

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