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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Visiting Parents Do Their Best To Praise Son's New Apartment

BROOKLYN, NY—Parents of 23-year-old Jack Gambel attempted to put a positive spin on their son's new Brooklyn apartment Monday, referring to the one-bedroom railroad-style residence's location above a Chinese food restaurant as "charming," and calling the exposed hot-water pipes "very New York." "And you won't have to spend a lot of time cleaning a bathroom this size," added father Dave Gambel, who agreed with wife Barbara that the 10-by-12-foot bedroom's lack of natural sunlight will help their son get a full night's sleep. "You can invite some friends over for a painting party and just cover those stains right up—make a day of it." Mrs. Gambel also noted that the thrift-store table in the "cozy" kitchen/television area/dining room was the perfect size for his father to write out a $1,750 rent check.

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