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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Visiting Parents Unknowingly Strike Up Conversation With Parents Of Dorm's Blowjob Queen

BOSTON— As they helped their son move out of Boston University's Warren Towers dormitory Wednesday, the parents of student Jay Wiernick struck up a conversation with the parents of fellow student Elaine Marcone, reportedly oblivious to the fact that the Marcones' 19-year-old daughter was the residence hall's blowjob queen. "I wonder if Jay's ever met her," said Lori Wiernick in reference to the freshman who, unbeknownst to Wiernick, was known throughout the 1,800-room dormitory for giving blowjobs to pretty much anyone who asked, sometimes to two guys at once. "Her parents said she was pre-med, right? Like Jay? I bet they've at least had one lab together. I'll ask him." According to sources, the Marcones were equally unaware that the Wiernicks' son was widely acknowledged as the dorm's blowjob king.

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