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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Voice Inside Cheering Libyan Rebel's Head: 'Oh, Fuck, Now What?'

TRIPOLI—An uneasy voice inside the head of cheering Libyan rebel Ahmed Jibril reportedly said, "Oh, fuck, now what?" Wednesday as the jubilant fighter celebrated the downfall of Muammar Qaddafi. "Uh-oh, what happens now? Seriously, what the fuck happens now?" said the interior monologue of the smiling man who stood atop the roof of Qaddafi's former compound screaming "Freedom is ours!" and pumping his fist. "There's a massive power vacuum, and looking around, I don't really see anyone who's going to fill it. It's certainly not going to be me, I'll tell you that much. Is this country going to descend into chaos? Please, please, please don't let that happen. Someone just needs to tell me what our next step is right now or I'm seriously going to flip the fuck out." The voice inside the head of the man who exultantly fired three machine gun bursts into the air quickly added, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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