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Politics

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.
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Voter Turnout Reaches All-Time Low Of 17

NEW YORK—Poll data indicates the 2006 mid-term elections were marked by the lowest turnout ever, with only 17 total votes cast. "Some 24 percent of those who showed up were registered Independents between the ages of 39, 54, 71, and 73, while, surprisingly, less than six percent appeared to be soccer moms driving a green 2000 Plymouth Voyager," said Harrison Cullers of the Advance Logistics Research Group. "This really shows how much impact a get-out-the-vote campaign that averages $2.5 million per voter can have on the important Milwaukee-resident-Dave-Anderson demographic." Critics say the low voter turnout was only exacerbated by problems with Diebold electronic voting machines, citing one Ohio district in which a local Democrat received negative 12 votes.

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