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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Voters Deny Cal Ripken Entrance Into Hall Of Fame: 'He Just Wasn't Very Good'

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Baltimore Orioles shortstop Cal Ripken Jr. failed to receive the 75 percent of the vote needed to gain admittance into the Baseball Hall of Fame Tuesday because, according to the majority of voters, Ripken "simply wasn't very good." "He was just sort of there, you know?" said ESPN's Peter Gammons, who described the 21-year veteran's career as "okay." "Sure, he made a few All-Star teams, but seriously, I would hope that any professional baseball player who played as long as Ripken would reach 3,000 hits, or at least win an MVP or two." According to Gammons, Ripken's failure to be admitted into the Hall of Fame may also have to do with the fact that his intense work ethic, his willingness to stay with one team for the entirety of his career, and the fact that he never took anabolic steroids clearly indicates that, over the years, the game of baseball has passed him by.

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