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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Voters Deny Cal Ripken Entrance Into Hall Of Fame: 'He Just Wasn't Very Good'

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Baltimore Orioles shortstop Cal Ripken Jr. failed to receive the 75 percent of the vote needed to gain admittance into the Baseball Hall of Fame Tuesday because, according to the majority of voters, Ripken "simply wasn't very good." "He was just sort of there, you know?" said ESPN's Peter Gammons, who described the 21-year veteran's career as "okay." "Sure, he made a few All-Star teams, but seriously, I would hope that any professional baseball player who played as long as Ripken would reach 3,000 hits, or at least win an MVP or two." According to Gammons, Ripken's failure to be admitted into the Hall of Fame may also have to do with the fact that his intense work ethic, his willingness to stay with one team for the entirety of his career, and the fact that he never took anabolic steroids clearly indicates that, over the years, the game of baseball has passed him by.

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