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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate. “The moment Scott Walker said he was suspending his campaign, there they were, smiling and waving to the crowd—it was incredibly frightening,” said local resident Jordan Ottinger, who recalled the wave of terrified gasps that washed over the room when those in attendance began to realize that the clean-cut middle-aged men in suits who suddenly showed up behind Walker were each accompanied by a full staff of aides and supporters holding campaign signs. “They just materialized, fully formed and already talking about conservative values. The scariest thing is that Walker was clearly defeated, but these candidates look fresh and strong, like they might have enough money and support to keep campaigning all the way to the primaries. My God, what do we do?” Sources confirmed that the crowd then began screaming and scattered in fear as the three new candidates descended from the dais and attempted to shake their hands.


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