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Voting Age Lowered to Six

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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Voting Age Lowered to Six

WASHINGTON—Just hours after Friday's passage of a 28th Amendment granting full voting rights to all U.S. citizens six years of age and older, renowned anti-evil organization RoboForce 5 announced its candidacy in the 1996 presidential election.

If elected president, RoboForce 5 has vowed to lower taxes, cut the deficit and protect the earth from intergalactic tyrants SkullTron and Lord VorTex.

"RoboForce 5 has what it takes to lead America into the 21st century," said Keith, the red-haired, sweater-wearing honor student, who in times of crisis utilizes the Cosmic Nexxon Crystal to become the famed Red Enforcer and leader of RoboForce 5. "We have defeated SkullTron in dozens of battles, and we will defeat Bill Clinton in November." He then received wild applause upon uttering his popular catch phrase, "Roboforce, rock!"

Additional team members Jamaal, the Green Enforcer; Mae Wan, the Yellow Enforcer; Shelly, the Pink Enforcer; and Isaac, the Blue Enforcer, who is less macho than Keith but good with computers, agreed, shouting, "Ultra-Robo-Tiger, Activate!"

If the team is elected, it would be the first time a black, an Asian, and two women have ascended to the presidency.

Punctuating their remarks with angular, jerking motions of their arms and legs, and striking new poses just before and after each spoken line, the five members of the super-powered, spandex-clad martial arts squad cited their strong record in foiling attempts to destroy humanity as a unique qualification for a joint inauguration to the office of president in January.

Added Jamaal: "Math is fun!"

Despite never having held public office, RoboForce 5 has been instrumental in many crises of national security, all of which involved enormous alien lifeforms sent to Earth on missions of destruction by intergalactic tyrant SkullTron. Using its color-coded, animal-themed flying vehicles, which join to create a larger humanoid robot, the team has repeatedly defeated the space tyrant.

Pink Enforcer Shelly also pointed out that RoboForce 5, the official presidential candidate of the FoxKids Action Afternoon Party, has already stimulated the U.S. economy through sales of millions of dollars worth of toy merchandise over the past three years as a leading multi million-dollar product-licensing conglomerate.

Stressing the strong need for an economy in which "children everywhere can afford to buy as many RoboForce comic books, dolls, action vehicles, playsets and coloring sets as possible," Shelly pledged that, if elected, RoboForce 5 would support an across-the-board 35 percent increase in allowances, as well as a referendum to move bedtime ahead one hour.

She then performed a double-gainer backflip and shouted, "It's time to give theGNP a RoboMatic neutron power blast!"

Despite the dark-horse nature of the RoboForce candidacy, the passage of the amendment hasmajor-party candidates on the defensive. "I ask you, RoboForce 5, why is SkullTron still in power?" Republican candidate Bob Dole said in a speech yesterday. "Bob Dole will teach space villains that nobody threatens America's security... not Lord VorTex, not Darkron, not anybody."

President Clinton reacted strongly as well at a stump speech in Macon, GA, Monday, stressing his strong support of anti-crime measures and proposing a freezo-ray that would imprison fleeing criminals in a block of ice.

Despite the mudslinging of major party opponents, no one is more hostile to the Roboforce campaign than its longtime foe, SkullTron, Overlord of Xenon. "So... RoboForce 5 wants to be in the presidential race, eh?" SkullTron said to reporters yesterday without visibly moving his mouth. "Ha! I'll show them a real race! A race for their lives!"

The rubbery villain then punched a series of buttons on his metallic wristguard, materializing a stiff-limbed, latex-covered Gigantor Beast with a blast of blue-screen video effects.

Though none of SkullTron's previous creations have ever injured a member of Robo-Force, he insisted: "My Gigantor will surely destroy them all... and Earth will be mine!"

SkullTron then closed the press conference, saying, "If there are no further questions, that should do it. Restrooms are just past the side exits and to your left."

At press time, it was unclear whether RoboForce 5 had been destroyed, sealing SkullTron's dominance over the cosmos. More information is expected tomorrow, at the same time and on the same channel.

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