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Voting Age Lowered to Six

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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Voting Age Lowered to Six

WASHINGTON—Just hours after Friday's passage of a 28th Amendment granting full voting rights to all U.S. citizens six years of age and older, renowned anti-evil organization RoboForce 5 announced its candidacy in the 1996 presidential election.

If elected president, RoboForce 5 has vowed to lower taxes, cut the deficit and protect the earth from intergalactic tyrants SkullTron and Lord VorTex.

"RoboForce 5 has what it takes to lead America into the 21st century," said Keith, the red-haired, sweater-wearing honor student, who in times of crisis utilizes the Cosmic Nexxon Crystal to become the famed Red Enforcer and leader of RoboForce 5. "We have defeated SkullTron in dozens of battles, and we will defeat Bill Clinton in November." He then received wild applause upon uttering his popular catch phrase, "Roboforce, rock!"

Additional team members Jamaal, the Green Enforcer; Mae Wan, the Yellow Enforcer; Shelly, the Pink Enforcer; and Isaac, the Blue Enforcer, who is less macho than Keith but good with computers, agreed, shouting, "Ultra-Robo-Tiger, Activate!"

If the team is elected, it would be the first time a black, an Asian, and two women have ascended to the presidency.

Punctuating their remarks with angular, jerking motions of their arms and legs, and striking new poses just before and after each spoken line, the five members of the super-powered, spandex-clad martial arts squad cited their strong record in foiling attempts to destroy humanity as a unique qualification for a joint inauguration to the office of president in January.

Added Jamaal: "Math is fun!"

Despite never having held public office, RoboForce 5 has been instrumental in many crises of national security, all of which involved enormous alien lifeforms sent to Earth on missions of destruction by intergalactic tyrant SkullTron. Using its color-coded, animal-themed flying vehicles, which join to create a larger humanoid robot, the team has repeatedly defeated the space tyrant.

Pink Enforcer Shelly also pointed out that RoboForce 5, the official presidential candidate of the FoxKids Action Afternoon Party, has already stimulated the U.S. economy through sales of millions of dollars worth of toy merchandise over the past three years as a leading multi million-dollar product-licensing conglomerate.

Stressing the strong need for an economy in which "children everywhere can afford to buy as many RoboForce comic books, dolls, action vehicles, playsets and coloring sets as possible," Shelly pledged that, if elected, RoboForce 5 would support an across-the-board 35 percent increase in allowances, as well as a referendum to move bedtime ahead one hour.

She then performed a double-gainer backflip and shouted, "It's time to give theGNP a RoboMatic neutron power blast!"

Despite the dark-horse nature of the RoboForce candidacy, the passage of the amendment hasmajor-party candidates on the defensive. "I ask you, RoboForce 5, why is SkullTron still in power?" Republican candidate Bob Dole said in a speech yesterday. "Bob Dole will teach space villains that nobody threatens America's security... not Lord VorTex, not Darkron, not anybody."

President Clinton reacted strongly as well at a stump speech in Macon, GA, Monday, stressing his strong support of anti-crime measures and proposing a freezo-ray that would imprison fleeing criminals in a block of ice.

Despite the mudslinging of major party opponents, no one is more hostile to the Roboforce campaign than its longtime foe, SkullTron, Overlord of Xenon. "So... RoboForce 5 wants to be in the presidential race, eh?" SkullTron said to reporters yesterday without visibly moving his mouth. "Ha! I'll show them a real race! A race for their lives!"

The rubbery villain then punched a series of buttons on his metallic wristguard, materializing a stiff-limbed, latex-covered Gigantor Beast with a blast of blue-screen video effects.

Though none of SkullTron's previous creations have ever injured a member of Robo-Force, he insisted: "My Gigantor will surely destroy them all... and Earth will be mine!"

SkullTron then closed the press conference, saying, "If there are no further questions, that should do it. Restrooms are just past the side exits and to your left."

At press time, it was unclear whether RoboForce 5 had been destroyed, sealing SkullTron's dominance over the cosmos. More information is expected tomorrow, at the same time and on the same channel.

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