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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Wacky Forensics Investigation Turns Autopsy-Turvy

DETROIT—A forensics examination turned autopsy-turvy Tuesday, when Wayne County coroner Ben Frisch accidentally switched a pair of corpses. As a result of the wacky mix-up, the death of 22-year-old gunshot victim Andre Watts was determined to be a stab wound to the aortic valve, while the cause of death for 47-year-old stabbing victim Bill Lewiston was listed as "gunshot wound, left temple." "Yikes!" said the screwball coroner upon discovering his zany mistake. "Looks like I really goofed this time."

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