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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Wacky Forensics Investigation Turns Autopsy-Turvy

DETROIT—A forensics examination turned autopsy-turvy Tuesday, when Wayne County coroner Ben Frisch accidentally switched a pair of corpses. As a result of the wacky mix-up, the death of 22-year-old gunshot victim Andre Watts was determined to be a stab wound to the aortic valve, while the cause of death for 47-year-old stabbing victim Bill Lewiston was listed as "gunshot wound, left temple." "Yikes!" said the screwball coroner upon discovering his zany mistake. "Looks like I really goofed this time."

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