Wacky Morning DJ Faces Crisis Of Journalistic Ethics

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Vol 35 Issue 22

Woodstock '99 Revenue Projections Displayed On Multi-Colored, Laminated Boards Somewhere In L.A.

LOS ANGELES—Revenue projections for Woodstock '99 were recently displayed on laminated, multi-colored boards somewhere in L.A., it can safely be assumed. "Success of previous Woodstock ventures combined with media interest in the festival's 30th anniversary spells maximum name recognition for Woodstock in the year 1999," a man wearing a suit probably said while standing at the head of a 12th-floor glass-walled conference room in one of those big office buildings there. "The soundtrack album in particular shows potential for high returns in both urban and suburban markets." At the same time, 3,000 tie-dyed Woodstock '99 T-shirts were being manufactured in one of those Indonesian factories.

Guatemalan Earthquake Registers 0.3 On Area Man's Consciousness

PEORIA, IL—A massive earthquake with a current death toll of 206 hit Antigua, Guatemala Tuesday, registering 0.3 on the consciousness of local banking assistant Ed Zurlo. "Oh, yeah, there was something about that on The Today Show," said Zurlo, paging through a book of the upholstery samples available for his new Toyota Camry. "They had that tornado or flood or whatever down there in South America." Zurlo, who was also dimly aware of such previous disasters as Hurricane Mitch-related flooding in Honduras and the Lockerbie, Scotland, crash of Pan Am Flight 103, said he will likely select the burnt-cocoa crushed velour.

Mrs. Butterworth's Bottle Central To Terrifying LSD Experience

ATHENS, GA—An anthropomorphic container of Mrs. Butterworth's-brand maple syrup took on nightmarish qualities for University of Georgia sophomore Kevin Duffy, 20, Tuesday during a harrowing, LSD-induced hallucination. "She was talkin' to me, man," the visibly shaken Duffy said following the four-hour experience. "I was zoning out on the linoleum patterns in the kitchenette when I heard this soothing, matronly voice. Then I saw her, gently gliding across the countertop and gesturing eerily with her tiny, translucent arms." Duffy's terror, he said, reached a fever pitch at approximately 4 a.m., when the parameters of four-dimensional space-time began closing in around him "like a waffle iron." "She took off the top of her head, man," Duffy said, "and there was this amorphous, semitransparent mass inside, sticking to me no matter how hard I tried to escape."

Area Man Refuses To Accept Bus-Route Change

LUBBOCK, TX—After three years of catching the bus to work at the corner of 4th and Houston, area resident Willard Dawes refused to accept the Lubbock Area Transit System's reworking of its weekday route, which had been clearly delineated in several flyers. "The C bus should've been here at 3:18," Dawes said Monday, standing on the sidewalk in front of the MovieTime video store, two blocks east of the new pick-up point. "I know it will show up. I just have to wait longer." The change is the most jarring event in Dawes' LATS ridership since 1998, when a fender bender with a taxi seriously shook his faith in Chuck, the eight-to-four weekday driver.

A La Recherche Du Temps Stupide

I was recently informed that the Twentieth-Century is nearly at an end, which astonishes me, because it seems like just yesterday that I was toasting its genesis in New-York's Winter Garden with Harry Houdini, Stanford White, the Floradora Girls, and Mutt & Jeff. Well, I hope you bastards all had fun this century, because I spent the latter half of it confined to a dank, fetid bed-chamber while having my urethra scraped.

I'm Thinking About Cutting Back On The Weed

Hola, amigos. What's up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a lot of problems lately. First off, I been slaving trying to find a new job. The last time you heard from me, I was moving furniture. Well, a few weeks ago I was out for a night of partying with Ron, and before you know it, it was 2 in the morning and we were still going strong. Since it was a work night, and I like to drink responsibly, I was taking it easy on the beer. The weed was flowing like water, though.

Cybercrime

Last week, computer hackers altered several U.S. government web sites, causing the temporary shutdown of Internet servers including those for the FBI, the Department Of The Interior, and the White House. Why did the hackers launch the attack?

Everyone Doing It, Schoolyard Sources Allege

CHESAPEAKE, VA—According to top-level schoolyard sources, everyone is doing it. "Come on, we all do it," an older kid said Tuesday, speaking on condition of anonymity. "What are you, scared?" Anyone choosing not to do it may be subjected to an intensifying campaign of "bock-bock" chicken noises, students standing by the fence warned.

I Believe The Robots Are Our Future

Though we live in uncertain times, we must not forget that the most important thing in life is the legacy we will leave behind for future generations. It is not for our sake, but for theirs, that we must preserve and protect the basic values we hold dear. As we foolishly pursue our short-sighted goals at the expense of those who will follow in our footsteps, we must pause and be mindful of the little ones, our progeny, who will inherit our planet in the next millennium and beyond. Time and time again, gazing into the innocent, trusting photoelectric receptors of a tiny, newly developed cybernetic construct, I am reminded of a fundamental truth: I believe the robots are our future, and we must teach them well and let them lead the way.
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Wacky Morning DJ Faces Crisis Of Journalistic Ethics

OAK PARK, IL—Controversy embroiled Oak Park's Q102 FM Morning Zoo Tuesday, when wacky morning DJ "Madman" Mike Antony claimed that a proposed on-location promotional broadcast at the Bob Adler Chrysler/Plymouth auto dealership would contradict the ethics of broadcast journalism.

"Madman" Mike Antony addresses Q102 morning listeners.

"I became a broadcaster to enlighten and entertain," Antony told his listeners at 8 a.m. after cutting into his trademark novelty song "Monicarena," and warning the audience that he had to get serious for a minute. "I'd like to think that it means something to all of you that I jumpstart your day in an honorable fashion, without dragging the Q Morning Zoo Crew through the dirt with paid business endorsements."

"The Q102 Morning Zoo—you don't listen to it, you survive it!" he added, underscoring his speech with cheering-crowd sound effects.

Although representatives of the Q102 sales and marketing department say the station's June 25-27 Bob Adler Chrysler Plymouth Minivans & Maxi-Hits Summer Sales Event will proceed as scheduled, Antony maintains that he will not participate.

Q102 executive director Andrew Marone responded in a memo Tuesday afternoon that he is "saddened" by Antony's statements, but added that if he does not show up under the big Q102 tent for games and giveaways on June 25, "Madman Mike may just find himself looking for another job."

According to his fellow Zoo Crewers, Antony was conflicted for hours after the memo's release, repeatedly speaking of the love he has for both Q102 and all the great Q-listeners, but he ultimately concluded that he could not quiet his moral indignation.

"This is Madman Mike in the morning, and I am a member of the fourth estate," said Antony, who was born Michael Kravitz in nearby Plovis and grew up listening to Q102, then a classic-rock station. "I have a responsibility to provide unbiased wake-up zaniness, hard-rocking hits and celebrity impressions, and that's a responsibility I don't take lightly. If I were to get in bed with every car dealer and theme restaurant that wants sponsorship, morning radio would soon be no better than the commercial wasteland of evening drive-time."

Bob Adler Chrysler Plymouth, site of the upcoming Minivans & Maxi-Hits Summer Sales Event.

Antony continued: "If I allowed myself to be corrupted, I'd violate the sacred trust of everyone from the ninth caller—who's about to win a pair of all-day passes to the Little America Family Park, Oak Park's fun in the country—to my partner, Screamin' Steve Greene. I don't think I could live with that."

When asked whether he would stand by his partner's boycott, Greene declined to speak to reporters, but did make a pre-recorded announcement.

"Come on down to Bob Adler Chrysler Plymouth!" Greene said. "I'll be there with the Q102 Urban Assault Vehicle playin' the hits and giving away free Q-Zone T-shirts, hats and bumper stickers! Register to win a free tank of gas! Enjoy a free hot dog as you party with the Hooters girls and check out the great deals on a new minivan as you groove to the sound of Oak Park's own Phat Phreddy & The Phreeloaders! It's Minivans and Maxi-Hits at Bob Adler Chrysler Plymouth! See you there!"

Greene also indicated that there will be free balloons for the kids.

Antony said he was "greatly disappointed" by his partner's decision to participate in the event.

"This goes against everything I stand for," Antony said. "I envisioned that Urban Assault Vehicle as a powerful tool for community involvement, as it was when it appeared in the Strawberry Days Parade. This slammin' summer sales event is just base buffoonery."

"Sure, I might have taken it to a few celebrity dunk-tank appearances at the Chamber Of Commerce Casino Night, but that was dignified," Antony added. "It helped the whole city, not just a corporate pawn like Bob Adler."

Despite threats of dismissal from Q102, Antony vowed that he will not bow to crass commercialism, no matter the consequences.

"To promote the Minivans & Maxi-Hits Summer Sales Event would force me to compromise my journalistic impartiality," Antony said. "I'd probably be expected to fail to mention all that road construction out near Adler's at the intersection of Hwy. 74 and County Road PD. It's bumper-to-bumper traffic all the way to Adler's, compadres."

Aware that his airtime may be limited, in one final act of defiance Antony asked listeners to destroy their Super Q Cards, which until then provided them with great deals and discounts at participating Oak Park restaurants, car washes and dry cleaners. Antony then proceeded to rip up his own Super Q Card, number 0004, live on the air, emphasizing the symbolic act with a volley of "ripping" flatulence sound effects before launching into Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It."

"People may mock wacky morning DJs as ivory-tower idealists, but in today's media environment, somebody has to be," Antony told his listeners before handing the mic over to Judy "Q At Noon" Acapulco. "I want you all to think long and hard about that, especially Todd and the gang down at the Northwest Carpets Factory Outlet Store, who need some Ricky Martin to get them through Remainder Month."

On principle, Antony refused to speculate on whether or not Remainder Month would be an opportunity to experience huge savings.

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