adBlockCheck

Wacky Morning DJ Vows To Hunt Down Scum That Killed His Partner

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Wacky Morning DJ Vows To Hunt Down Scum That Killed His Partner

OMAHA, NE—Wacky morning DJ Dave "The Davester" Fayhem, host of "Hot" 103.1 FM's "Fayhem In The A.M.," vowed to radio listeners throughout the greater Omaha metropolitan area Monday that he "will not rest" until he hunts down the scum that killed his partner, avenging his memory with vigilante wacky-morning-DJ justice.

"Hot" 103-FM's Dave "The Davester" Fayhem, whose morning-show partner was recently gunned down in cold blood, has vowed to avenge the brutal murder with vigilante wacky-morning-DJ justice.

"I cannot give up this quest, no matter how far down the hole it takes me," Fayhem said, his voice quavering with barely controlled rage. "That man was my partner for over 13 weeks, and I let him down. When I find the sons of bitches that did this, they're going to wish they were never born."

Added Fayhem: "Coming up after these commercial messages, we've got a special musical tribute to Dennis Rodman, your personalized 'Horror-scopes,' and the amazing Dr. Whizzo."

Fayhem's partner, wacky morning sidekick Bobby "The Brain" Thomason, renowned throughout the Omaha area for his outrageous listener wake-up gags and uncanny celebrity impressions, was shot five times in the chest Friday during a live, on-location broadcast from Jerry Starkweather Lincoln-Mercury on Rayburn Road and I-14.

Thomason was killed while his partner was away on a bathroom break, a fact Fayhem said will forever haunt him. "I'll never forgive myself for taking that bathroom break. I left my partner all alone. I left him to read the previous night's David Letterman Top 10 List all by himself, without any backup," he said, choking back tears. "I should've been there for him. It should've been me who took those bullets, not Bobby."

"I'll never forget his last words to me," continued Fayhem, his glare turning steely. "He said to me, 'Whoa! Let's not even go there, big guy.' Well I'm going there, all right: I'm going straight to hell."

Fayhem, who relocated to the Omaha radio market in 1991 to work as a sidekick for then-Hot 103 morning DJ Doug Danger, called the death of his partner a "sick, sick, goofy, sick tragedy."

Fayhem described his partner's absence from their popular morning show as "devastating," given how much the program relied upon the pair's exchange of rapid-fire, irreverent, "in-your-face" banter.

As a means of coping, Fayhem has taken to drinking heavily, and has increasingly begun to use recycled material from such novelty-song stalwarts as "Weird Al" Yankovic, Napoleon XIV and Ray Stevens, creator of "Ahab The Arab," "The Streak," and "Guitarzan," instead of generating his own fresh material.

"When those human pieces of garbage killed Bobby, they robbed his wife and daughter of a man who would have done anything for them, a man whose shoes they weren't fit to touch," Fayhem said. "I owe it to Linda and little Janie to find the worthless punks who did this and give them a taste of their own medicine. It's time to teach those scumbags the meaning of the word revenge."

His search for the killer growing more obsessive with each passing day, Fayhem has made countless on-air phone calls to lowlifes and suspicious characters throughout Omaha's seedy underbelly, verbally strong-arming them for information about the murder. On several occasions, Fayhem has subjected those who refuse to talk to trivia questions, Michael Jackson impressions and regional humor until they finally break down.

"Fayhem is a wacky morning man on a mission," Omaha chief of police Gene O'Halloran said. "To him, this isn't just another murder, it's personal. Real personal. In fact, I warned him that if he doesn't ease back a little bit, I'm seriously considering taking him off the case."

But Fayhem has shown no signs of letting up. "When I catch up to those bastards—and I will—it's gonna be payback time," he said. "When I get through with them, they'll wish they never heard the words, 'Yo, dudes and dudettes, this is the Davester, and you're flying without a net on 'Fayhem In The A.M' on Omaha's Hot 103-FM.'"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close