Wacky Morning DJ Vows To Hunt Down Scum That Killed His Partner

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Vol 32 Issue 10

Huzzah For The Glorious Pig-Skin!

Recently the National Foot-Balling League, a fledgling commercial venture, approached me with the possibility of investing in one of their new professional teams. I went one step further and proclaimed that I would form a foot-ball club of my very own, the Onion Linotypists, with myself as coach! I played defensive full-backer when I attended beloved old Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, and I grew misty-eyed at the chance of seeing wanton blood-baths upon the grid-iron once again. Plus, it would give me great satisfaction to see those wretched Pottsville Maroons go down in defeat. Curse them and the Canton Bull-Dogs as well!

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HOLLYWOOD, CA—Actor Gene Wilder unveiled plans Monday to star in Wrong Way, a horrible, horrible new film. "My new film will be unbelievably bad," Wilder said, "and I will be tremendously irritating throughout it." Wilder assured reporters that Wrong Way, in which he plays a mute driving instructor, will be far inferior to Another You and See No Evil, Hear No Evil. Rumors are already flying about a possible comedy starring Wilder and Richard Pryor that will be just sad.

Huge Lottery Jackpot Tempting All But The Most Rational

MINNEAPOLIS—With the Minnesota Lottery's Oct. 25 "SuperBucks" jackpot fast approaching $140 million, all but the most rational Minnesotans are scrambling to purchase tickets. "Who could resist such an unbelievable jackpot, except, of course, smart people who understand mathematics?" lottery director Gus Shriner said. "I mean, we're talking $140 million. You'd have to be marginally educated to walk away from a $1 chance at that."

Deputy Attorney General's Wife Cracks Down On Pornography

BETHESDA, MD—In a bedroom press conference Monday, Judith Rubino, wife of U.S. Deputy Attorney General Richard Rubino, announced a hard-line, "get-tough" stance against pornography in the Rubino household. "I don't want those tapes in the house," Rubino told her husband. "What am I supposed to tell our grandchildren when they come over?" Among the pornographic films Rubino cited as unacceptable for use by the Deputy Attorney General: Forrest Hump, Backside To The Future, and Sex Trek: First Cuntact. Mr. Rubino said he may invoke the "please" clause in an effort to keep the tapes in the Rubino home.

Vocalist Leaves Journey Tribute Band Over Creative Differences

HARRISBURG, PA—After six years as lead vocalist for the Harrisburg-area Journey tribute band Wheel In The Sky, Rick Balaban announced Monday that he is leaving the group over creative differences. "We just reached a point where we had very different ideas about where this band is heading," Balaban said. "While the other guys wanted to go in a more power-ballad, ‘Open Arms,' ‘Send Her My Love'-oriented direction, I felt that we should be focusing on rocking out more in a ‘Separate Ways' fashion." Balaban said he plans to embark on a solo career, starting a Journey-lead-vocalist tribute act called "Steve Perry." The most likely replacement for Balaban in Wheel In The Sky is Jim "Kerr" Bulone, currently lead singer of Glittering Prize, a Detroit-area Simple Minds tribute band.

It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

The other day Judy the wife was yapping that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French cooking course she's taking. I figured at least I could get some grub out of the deal.

Internal Revenue Disservice

The IRS has come under fire recently for allegedly secretly encouraging its agents to target and harass those who make under $20,000. What do you think?

Today's Young People Are Not Appropriately Terrified Of Sex

What has become of the young people of today, that they no longer cower in mortal terror at the very mention of sex? Instead of trembling alone at night in their rooms, paralyzed by the soul-shaking thought of one day having intimate relations with a member of the opposite gender, they confidently parade about the shopping malls in their sleeveless shirts and short pants, caressing one another's hands in plain view of other JCPenney's patrons.

Jocko's Headed For Hollywood!

Item! Australian macho man and superstar television pitchman Jocko has been making the rounds looking for the appropriate vehicle for his leap onto the big screen. He's read a million scripts, but he's turned them all down. The reason? He still hasn't found one that will break him out of the tough-guy typecast. Apparently, after years of winning rave reviews as the muscle-headed brute in the Energizer commercials, he wants a chance to show his fans his sensitive side. Perhaps he'll consider my screenplay-in-progress, which is loosely based on the life of a certain unnamed Hollywood columnist who is jilted at the altar by his bride-to-be, leaving him to reflect upon his life. Sounds pretty good, eh, Jocko? Oi!
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Wacky Morning DJ Vows To Hunt Down Scum That Killed His Partner

OMAHA, NE—Wacky morning DJ Dave "The Davester" Fayhem, host of "Hot" 103.1 FM's "Fayhem In The A.M.," vowed to radio listeners throughout the greater Omaha metropolitan area Monday that he "will not rest" until he hunts down the scum that killed his partner, avenging his memory with vigilante wacky-morning-DJ justice.

"Hot" 103-FM's Dave "The Davester" Fayhem, whose morning-show partner was recently gunned down in cold blood, has vowed to avenge the brutal murder with vigilante wacky-morning-DJ justice.

"I cannot give up this quest, no matter how far down the hole it takes me," Fayhem said, his voice quavering with barely controlled rage. "That man was my partner for over 13 weeks, and I let him down. When I find the sons of bitches that did this, they're going to wish they were never born."

Added Fayhem: "Coming up after these commercial messages, we've got a special musical tribute to Dennis Rodman, your personalized 'Horror-scopes,' and the amazing Dr. Whizzo."

Fayhem's partner, wacky morning sidekick Bobby "The Brain" Thomason, renowned throughout the Omaha area for his outrageous listener wake-up gags and uncanny celebrity impressions, was shot five times in the chest Friday during a live, on-location broadcast from Jerry Starkweather Lincoln-Mercury on Rayburn Road and I-14.

Thomason was killed while his partner was away on a bathroom break, a fact Fayhem said will forever haunt him. "I'll never forgive myself for taking that bathroom break. I left my partner all alone. I left him to read the previous night's David Letterman Top 10 List all by himself, without any backup," he said, choking back tears. "I should've been there for him. It should've been me who took those bullets, not Bobby."

"I'll never forget his last words to me," continued Fayhem, his glare turning steely. "He said to me, 'Whoa! Let's not even go there, big guy.' Well I'm going there, all right: I'm going straight to hell."

Fayhem, who relocated to the Omaha radio market in 1991 to work as a sidekick for then-Hot 103 morning DJ Doug Danger, called the death of his partner a "sick, sick, goofy, sick tragedy."

Fayhem described his partner's absence from their popular morning show as "devastating," given how much the program relied upon the pair's exchange of rapid-fire, irreverent, "in-your-face" banter.

As a means of coping, Fayhem has taken to drinking heavily, and has increasingly begun to use recycled material from such novelty-song stalwarts as "Weird Al" Yankovic, Napoleon XIV and Ray Stevens, creator of "Ahab The Arab," "The Streak," and "Guitarzan," instead of generating his own fresh material.

"When those human pieces of garbage killed Bobby, they robbed his wife and daughter of a man who would have done anything for them, a man whose shoes they weren't fit to touch," Fayhem said. "I owe it to Linda and little Janie to find the worthless punks who did this and give them a taste of their own medicine. It's time to teach those scumbags the meaning of the word revenge."

His search for the killer growing more obsessive with each passing day, Fayhem has made countless on-air phone calls to lowlifes and suspicious characters throughout Omaha's seedy underbelly, verbally strong-arming them for information about the murder. On several occasions, Fayhem has subjected those who refuse to talk to trivia questions, Michael Jackson impressions and regional humor until they finally break down.

"Fayhem is a wacky morning man on a mission," Omaha chief of police Gene O'Halloran said. "To him, this isn't just another murder, it's personal. Real personal. In fact, I warned him that if he doesn't ease back a little bit, I'm seriously considering taking him off the case."

But Fayhem has shown no signs of letting up. "When I catch up to those bastards—and I will—it's gonna be payback time," he said. "When I get through with them, they'll wish they never heard the words, 'Yo, dudes and dudettes, this is the Davester, and you're flying without a net on 'Fayhem In The A.M' on Omaha's Hot 103-FM.'"

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