adBlockCheck

Recent News

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Wacky Morning DJ Vows To Hunt Down Scum That Killed His Partner

OMAHA, NE—Wacky morning DJ Dave "The Davester" Fayhem, host of "Hot" 103.1 FM's "Fayhem In The A.M.," vowed to radio listeners throughout the greater Omaha metropolitan area Monday that he "will not rest" until he hunts down the scum that killed his partner, avenging his memory with vigilante wacky-morning-DJ justice.

"Hot" 103-FM's Dave "The Davester" Fayhem, whose morning-show partner was recently gunned down in cold blood, has vowed to avenge the brutal murder with vigilante wacky-morning-DJ justice.

"I cannot give up this quest, no matter how far down the hole it takes me," Fayhem said, his voice quavering with barely controlled rage. "That man was my partner for over 13 weeks, and I let him down. When I find the sons of bitches that did this, they're going to wish they were never born."

Added Fayhem: "Coming up after these commercial messages, we've got a special musical tribute to Dennis Rodman, your personalized 'Horror-scopes,' and the amazing Dr. Whizzo."

Fayhem's partner, wacky morning sidekick Bobby "The Brain" Thomason, renowned throughout the Omaha area for his outrageous listener wake-up gags and uncanny celebrity impressions, was shot five times in the chest Friday during a live, on-location broadcast from Jerry Starkweather Lincoln-Mercury on Rayburn Road and I-14.

Thomason was killed while his partner was away on a bathroom break, a fact Fayhem said will forever haunt him. "I'll never forgive myself for taking that bathroom break. I left my partner all alone. I left him to read the previous night's David Letterman Top 10 List all by himself, without any backup," he said, choking back tears. "I should've been there for him. It should've been me who took those bullets, not Bobby."

"I'll never forget his last words to me," continued Fayhem, his glare turning steely. "He said to me, 'Whoa! Let's not even go there, big guy.' Well I'm going there, all right: I'm going straight to hell."

Fayhem, who relocated to the Omaha radio market in 1991 to work as a sidekick for then-Hot 103 morning DJ Doug Danger, called the death of his partner a "sick, sick, goofy, sick tragedy."

Fayhem described his partner's absence from their popular morning show as "devastating," given how much the program relied upon the pair's exchange of rapid-fire, irreverent, "in-your-face" banter.

As a means of coping, Fayhem has taken to drinking heavily, and has increasingly begun to use recycled material from such novelty-song stalwarts as "Weird Al" Yankovic, Napoleon XIV and Ray Stevens, creator of "Ahab The Arab," "The Streak," and "Guitarzan," instead of generating his own fresh material.

"When those human pieces of garbage killed Bobby, they robbed his wife and daughter of a man who would have done anything for them, a man whose shoes they weren't fit to touch," Fayhem said. "I owe it to Linda and little Janie to find the worthless punks who did this and give them a taste of their own medicine. It's time to teach those scumbags the meaning of the word revenge."

His search for the killer growing more obsessive with each passing day, Fayhem has made countless on-air phone calls to lowlifes and suspicious characters throughout Omaha's seedy underbelly, verbally strong-arming them for information about the murder. On several occasions, Fayhem has subjected those who refuse to talk to trivia questions, Michael Jackson impressions and regional humor until they finally break down.

"Fayhem is a wacky morning man on a mission," Omaha chief of police Gene O'Halloran said. "To him, this isn't just another murder, it's personal. Real personal. In fact, I warned him that if he doesn't ease back a little bit, I'm seriously considering taking him off the case."

But Fayhem has shown no signs of letting up. "When I catch up to those bastards—and I will—it's gonna be payback time," he said. "When I get through with them, they'll wish they never heard the words, 'Yo, dudes and dudettes, this is the Davester, and you're flying without a net on 'Fayhem In The A.M' on Omaha's Hot 103-FM.'"

More from this section

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close