adBlockCheck

Entertainment

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
End Of Section
  • More News

Wacky Morning Zoo Crew DJ Threatened By Younger, Wackier Morning Zoo Crew DJ

ATLANTA—Unyielding feelings of self-doubt have plagued popular Atlanta-area Zoo Crew DJ Steve "The Hedgehog" Stevens since early Monday morning, when the longtime WROZ radio personality's wackiness-confidence was shaken by a younger, wackier arrival on the Morning Zoo Crew staff. "I've been using the same toilet-flush sound effect for years, and yesterday Nutjob [Bob Sienkiewicz] called it 'tired,'" said Stevens, 44. "Furthermore, 'Drive-Time Atlanta''s 'Freaky Friday Follies' has featured my Bush impression novelty songs since before that upstart ever honked a bicycle horn. But, what if he's right?" According to sources close to him, the anxiety-stricken Stevens has lain sleepless in bed the past three nights, staring at the ceiling, endlessly reliving every listener call-in requesting Nutjob Bob's hugely popular "Fart-Talker" character, and pondering the soul-crushing futility of existence.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings